SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the coach resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives. Women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Christy Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy-filled Catholic. And I am the Catholic sobriety coach. And I am so glad you're here. Can we talk about something that I hear like constantly? Almost every woman who starts looking at her drinking hits this at some point. She will message me, or maybe we'll talk about it on a coaching call. And it goes something like this Christy, I was already thinking about wine a lot before I started working with you. But now I'm thinking about it all the time. What is going on? I feel like I've made things worse. And I just kind of smile because no friend, you didn't make things worse. You are actually doing something right. This is showing you that you are on the right path. So here's the deal. Before the chatter was already there, right? You were just kind of used to it. It was background noise. You know, it's like they say when you walk into your house, you can't smell the smells of your house because you're so used to it. It's kind of the same way with those thoughts. They're just going on so often that you don't even really notice them. But now there's all these other questions like, should I even have it? Should I quit forever? Do I need to quit forever? Why should I have to quit? It's like your brain has a group chat going and nobody will stop messaging and you can't figure out a way to mute it. So yeah, it's louder. I'm not gonna pretend that it isn't, but I want you to know that louder does not mean it's worse. Louder means you're paying attention. Everybody has that closet, the one where you open the door like two inches, shove one more thing in, and slam it shut before something falls on your head. That's just me. That's not everybody. I thought it was. Well, pretend that you do have that closet. And then one day you decide this is it. I'm cleaning this thing out. So what's the first thing you have to do? Well, if you're like me, you pull everything out of it, like everything. You just want it completely clear so that the closet is completely empty and you can really see the space that you have. But now there's stuff on the bed and it's on the floor, and there's a bag of who knows what from 2014, and your bedroom looks way worse than it did when the door was closed. But you can't sort what you can't see. And that's what's happening when you start examining your relationship with alcohol. You've opened the closet, you've turned the light on, and the stuff that was always in there is now all over the floor and it's messy and it's uncomfortable. But that's literally where the work starts. And if you want a little more about this, go ahead and listen to episode 184. It's called I Might Mess Up Your Drinking. And that one is basically my official warning label. But today, today, I want to walk you through what actually comes up when you start looking at this stuff because nobody tells you. You're just out there thinking you're the only one. And I want you to know that you are so not the only one. So let's address this forever thing first. This is where so many women get stuck, and I mean really stuck. A lot of times they think something like, I should probably just quit, like forever. I know that's probably what's gonna be best, but honestly, I don't know if I can, and I don't know if I need to. Like, is it really that bad? Because nobody seems to be staging an intervention here. But here's what I tell women I work with. Let's just take forever off the table for a bit. Okay, just take it off. You don't have to decide about forever today. I will say some women are super clear. They know that they're done. I got to that point where I was done. I didn't want it anymore. I just wanted to get off that loop. Like I could not do it anymore. And I was ready to set it down. And I have some clients that are like that, and that's beautiful. And I love that for them. But I will say that they know that they're done and they know that they don't want it anymore, and they are ready to set it down for good. But I will say that most of the women that I work with are not there, not even close. So when you try to force a forever decision on yourself before you are at that stage of readiness, guess what happens? Yeah, the negotiating, it gets worse. You've got this inner dialogue and something new to argue about, in addition to all the old stuff you are already arguing with yourself about. But taking forever off the table doesn't mean that you don't decide anything because that's another trap. If we think, well, I don't have to decide forever, so I'll just wing it and see how it goes. Well, you've probably already figured out how I'll just wing it and see how it goes goes. So far, it probably hasn't been super successful. You still need to pick a direction. So are you cutting back? Okay, cutting back to what? Like, what does that actually look like on a Tuesday night or a Friday night? Or when you have an event, or when you are out to dinner with your husband. You have to think about these things and plan around them. So here's the question I want you to sit with. And I I really mean like sit with it in prayer, journal about it, and really think about this. If you could have a perfect relationship with alcohol, and I'm putting perfect in air quotes here, what would that look like? Like, what would it feel like not to have alcohol running the show, to not be thinking about it at two in the afternoon, to not be managing it, not feel like it's managing you. Get very specific, like nerdy specific. And then we work backwards. Okay, how do I get there? And this is work that I do with my clients, especially my one-on-one clients. This is where I am, this is where I want to be. How do I get there? But then there's the other question, which can be difficult to ask, but needs to be asked, and that is can I get there? And you're not gonna necessarily have that answer to that particular question right away. But that is a question that you need to keep coming back to. Because sometimes when women actually sit with that question and really take time to think about the past, think about what's worked, what hasn't worked, what they've tried, um, you know what would give them the most peace. The picture that they come up with, sometimes it doesn't have wine in it at all, which surprises them. And then sometimes it does, but it comes with some real changes. So either way, now you're making a decision from clarity instead of from that exhausting all-day negotiation. All right, now let's talk about the next one. And this one's sneaky. Women will say to me, Christy, I decided I was going to have a glass of wine on Saturday, just like I planned. I gave myself permission. I wasn't sneaking it. My husband knew I was having it, everybody knew I was having it, and I still felt guilty drinking it. What is wrong with me? Did I make things worse? First of all, nothing is wrong with you. But the the next thought that kind of comes up right after that is I should be further along by now. I should have this figured out. And I'm like, girl, you started two weeks ago. Give yourself some time. There's still a lot of learning. You think of it as like an a science experiment. You can't just do it. You have to like let things happen and try things out and tweak things and and change things and examine things. It's okay that you don't have it figured out right now. I would not expect you to. And you shouldn't be further along because again, we have a lot of work to do still. So that said, I don't think that what's coming up is actually guilt, even though that's the way it's expressed by most of my clients. What I think it is, just from my experience and what I see, is that it's awareness. So for years, that glass of wine was just a thing that happened. You got home, you poured it, you drank it, you made dinner, and nobody thought twice about it, including you. But now the light is on, remember the closet, the lights on, and you can't unsee what you've already seen. So when you pour that glass, there's this little part of you that's going, hmm, I see you. And that feels super uncomfortable. Of course it does. You've been able to keep this kind of covered up for a long time, but I don't mean that in like a shady way, just in a I don't really need to look at this, or I don't want to look at this kind of way. That uncomfortable feeling is not a sign that you are failing. What it is, is a sign that you are awake to what is going on. You have that awareness. And again, you cannot change what you cannot see. So honestly, that feeling is kind of a good sign. I know that sounds weird. People don't believe me when I say that, but I mean it. It is a good sign. All right, let's talk about grief. This one surprises people every single time because who expects to grieve a drink or a substance? Nobody really. But it can honestly feel like a really hard breakup. And all of a sudden, you're picturing every wedding, every vacation, and everybody's having fun. And there you are holding a club soda. Here's what I see happen over and over. Every time my clients bring this up, which is so often, I just envision her holding the alcohol in her hand. And as we are working, as we are talking, little by little, she's loosening her grip. She's actually starting to let it go. She's doing the work, she's seeing the things. She is making progress. And then right at the moment when she's almost there, the thought hits wait, never again, like ever. And she clamps right back down on it, like a death grip. That is grief. And I want you to know it is real and it makes absolute total sense because alcohol has been there for a lot for birthdays, for hard days, for good days, for every Friday night for like the past 15 years. So, of course, letting go of something that's been woven into so many aspects of your life, that feels like losing something. But feeling grief doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice. Not at all. That's the thing that I need you to hear. Grief shows up anytime, anytime we let go of something that's played a big role in our lives. Even when letting go is exactly the thing we need to do. So if you feel it, like don't freak out about it. And don't let it talk you into clamping your hand back down around it. Just notice it and name it. You can say, Oh, oh, I see. And that's okay. And that alone will take some of the power out of it. And then of course, we have to talk about the soul piece. And for a lot of you, this is where it gets really interesting. Because I think for so many of us, faith and wine lived in two totally separate worlds, which sounds weird as Catholics, right? Because we have uh the precious blood, which is wine, turned into the blood of Christ. But as far as you know, your regular everyday drinking, it was in two different aspects of your life. You go to mass, you pray the rosary, you're in Bible study, and then over here, totally unrelated, there's your glass or three of wine every night. And those two things never really coincided, or you didn't really, they didn't really connect in any way. But then when you started looking at your drinking, really examining it, all of a sudden you're bringing it to prayer. You're journaling about it. You are boldly, boldly asking the Lord, okay, what is this really about? Why do I reach for it? What am I avoiding? What do you, Lord, think about my drinking? And some women will tell me, Christy, I really feel like he's inviting me to set it down. It's very clear. But other women say, I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't know if God is asking me to set it down at all. I don't know what he wants here. And both of those are okay because they're both part of discernment. That's what discernment looks like. It's not always this lightning bolt decision. But here's what I love. Just the fact that you are asking him means that you are bringing it to him and you're finally letting him in. You've brought him into the conversation. And your habit is not off in its own little corner or in the dark anymore. You've brought it to the light, brought it to the Lord, and that is huge. And I say huge, but you know what I mean. Very important. It's really the place where transformation starts. So you don't need to know this answer today. Just keep asking, keep pressing in, keep listening, and pay attention to what keeps coming up in prayer. Because usually it's the thing that keeps coming up. And in my experience, clarity usually comes as you walk forward, not before you take the first step. He doesn't usually just hand us the whole map. I like to say he lays down these holy breadcrumbs. So we don't even know what that is going to look like, but he gives us enough light for the way and lays those little holy breadcrumbs along the way for us to pick up. So if you've started looking at your drinking and it feels messier than it did before, like you're thinking about it more and you feel weird when you pour a glass, you're grieving something that you did not expect to grieve, you're flip-flopping on forever, and you're asking God what He wants and not really getting the answer yet. None of that means that you're doing it wrong. It just means that the closet door is open, everything's out on the floor, and that is exactly where it needs to be. That's where it has to be for the sorting to begin. And I'm here to let you know that you do not have to sort this out all by yourself. Because on November 15th, I'm opening the doors to my sober-ish Advent and New Year program. And the timing couldn't be better for the holidays. We are going to walk through Advent together. We're going to walk through January together. And you'll be doing it with other Catholic women. There's weekly group coaching, there's daily reflections, there's a community. It's fantastic. And it's sober-ish. You don't have to commit to anything. This is a place where you start again sorting through, you know, what's been going on and what role you want alcohol to play in your life. So if you want to be one of the first people who knows when the doors open, go grab my free Sacred Sobriety Kickstart. It's a five-video series delivered over five days. And when you sign up, you'll be on my email list. So you'll hear about it as soon as my doors open. And in the meantime, if you work through my Sacred Sobriety Kickstart, you're going to start to get a feel for how I coach and some of the tools that we actually use. So you'll even have a head start. Again, it's free, and the link is in the show notes. Okay, friend, go open that closet and I will see you next week. Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well. And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic Sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer, visit my website, the Catholic Sobriety.