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Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the coach resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives. Women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Christy Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy-filled Catholic. And I am the Catholic sobriety coach. And I am so glad you're here. I want to ask you something today, and I am inviting you to sit with it instead of answering it too fast. So the question is this what are you really drinking for? Not the surface answer, not the because I like the taste or it helps unwind or wind or I can pair it with food or everyone at the party was drinking. I really want you to think about the real answer, the one underneath that, the one that you haven't quite said out loud yet, maybe even to yourself. Because here's what I know after 29 years of sobriety and walking women through this work. Nobody drinks for no reason. Nobody. Maybe it's not exhaustion for you, but there are a ton of reasons that we turn to wine. And it does provide a buzz and it does quiet our minds, at least mildly, or in my case, completely, when I used to drink, not to mention all the science behind it. So that might be where you're at. That might be what you're thinking. But I want you to know that until you know what that need actually is, you can try to stop a hundred times and it probably won't stick because you're not dealing with a wine problem here. You're dealing with whatever the wine is solving. And that, my friend, is what we are getting into today. I'm going to start here with my own story because I think it might help you find yours. I've told my story a few times and you could probably find it in some of my past episodes, but let's just revisit, shall we? So I started drinking when I was about 16 years old. And if you'd have asked me then why I started, I would have said something like, I don't know, it was just so fun, or everyone was doing it. But looking back, that's not actually true. I know exactly why I started. It started with a friend breakup. My freshman year of high school, I had a best friend. We'd been for close friends since the seventh and eighth grade, and we did everything together. And I thought we were going to do high school together. It was going to be great. And then one day, out of nowhere, I beboped over to her locker, and she essentially friend broke up with me. She told me she wanted other friends and didn't really want to hang out with me anymore. That's it. Done. And I was gutted. I wasn't just sad, but I was fundamentally rejected by my best friend. And I was like, what the heck is wrong with me? And the thing is, I'd already been struggling to fit in. I'd try to get into other friend groups and it just never quite, it would never quite land, right? I joined dance team and that was amazing. I loved it. And I had people that I liked at practices and games, but we didn't really hang out outside of that. So mostly I just felt like I was on the outside of something that everyone else was on the inside of. Maybe you've been there. And then my sophomore year, one of our team captains invited me to a party at her house. And I thought it was just going to be a sweet little dance team slumber party situation. It was not. It was a full-on rager with boys and girls and alcohol. Just side note, my mom would have never left me there had she known that was going on. And this was the first time I got drunk, and I loved it. I know that's not what you're supposed to say, but it's the truth. It felt like this magic elixir, like something that had been locked suddenly opened. I was funny and I loosened up. I would talk to people that I normally wouldn't talk to at school, and I just felt like I belonged. And within the next year, I had a friend group, a boyfriend, a job. I felt like I had finally found the thing that made me me. So I kept drinking. Now here's the thing about alcohol, though, and I want you to really hear this because I think somewhere in you, you already know it. In the beginning, it expanded my world. And then slowly, it completely demolished it. In high school and into my early 20s, it was social. It was weekends. It was going out country line dancing, being with people. But the more I drank, the more my entire life started to revolve around alcohol. Where I went, who I was with, what I did. It all had to do with drinking. And what started as something that made my world bigger started making it smaller and smaller. By the time I was 23, my drinking buddies hear this. My drinking buddies told me I had a drinking problem. I'm like, what? So do you. But they were right. And then my roommate, she threatened to kick me out. My boss threatened to fire me if I didn't get control of my drinking or stop drinking, I should say. And everything I had was about to be taken away. And that's when I finally saw clearly this thing that I had picked up to belong had stolen the very belonging that it had promised me. Now I need to stop here for a second because I know that some of you are listening to this and you're thinking, well, that's not me. My life isn't falling apart. I'm not getting threatened by my boss. I have a good marriage, a nice home, great kids. I go to mass on Sunday. Everything is fine on the outside. And maybe on the inside mostly too, but something is off. And that's why you're listening to my podcast. And you would be right if you think all those things. That's not your story. But here's what I want to say to you. You don't have to have a low bottom for this to be a problem. When I very first tried to get sober, I went to outpatient treatment and it did not work for me because all I did was sit there with my judgmental judgy pants on, thinking, I am not as bad as these people. I mean, granted, I was young. I was 23. But if I was as old as those people that were in the room in their 30s and 40s and older, I would be probably exactly where they are, or worse. So I want you to hear this. You know, everybody's bottom is going to look different. You don't have to lose everything to recognize that something is costing you. Maybe your cost is the morning fog that makes you feel like a lesser version of yourself. Maybe it's the days that you spend recovering. Maybe it's the fact that your kids saw you acting in a way that maybe you're not proud of. Maybe it's the mental negotiating you do all day. Will I have one tonight? Will I have two? Am I gonna try not to tonight? Okay, maybe just one. That kind of constant low-grade noise in your head is exhausting. Even when no one else can see it. And maybe that's the gap. The gap between who you know you're called to be and who you are at 8 p.m. with a glass in your hand, half checked out, going through the motions. That gap is real and it matters. And you don't have to wait until your world is visibly demolishing to pay attention. Both women, the one whose story looks like mine, and the one who still has it all together on the outside are drinking for a reason, and that reason is worth finding. So, what is that reason? What are we reaching for? I want to take you back a long way back, further back than my sophomore year of high school, which admittedly was a while ago. But I wanted to take you back to a garden because here's what I've come to believe. My story didn't actually start at that party. It started with a lie that's been running in the human heart since the very beginning. Think about Eve in the Garden of Eden. Okay, now stay with me here. This isn't Sunday school filler. This is actually the root of everything. The serpent didn't just walk up to Eve and say, Hey, hey, Eve, God is bad. He didn't say God hates you or God is holding out on you. He was subtler than that. He planted the seed of distrust. He suggested that Eve needed something she didn't already have. That if she ate the forbidden fruit, she would gain wisdom and she would be like God. She would finally be enough. And here's the thing that breaks my heart about that story every single time. Eve was already made in the image and likeness of God. She was already enough because that's how God created her. She already had everything she needed. She just didn't believe it. And so she reached for something outside of herself to fill the gap that wasn't actually there. She needed to do something, to have something, to be someone. Sound familiar? Because that is exactly what I was doing at 16 years old at a party in someone else's backyard. I didn't believe I was enough as I was. I believed the lie that I needed something outside of me. A drink, a group, a boyfriend, an identity to be worthy of belonging. And alcohol promised to give me all of it. And I'm absolutely certain that Eve and I are not the only ones who believed that lie. So here's the question I want you to sit with today. What need is your drinking actually meeting? Because it's always meeting one. The brain doesn't do things for no reason. When a behavior is repeated, it's because it's working. It's delivering something that your nervous system wanted. Alcohol is very good at this. It's a depressant. It slows everything down and it creates a temporary feeling of relief, connection, and ease. The craving is not irrational. It's your brain doing exactly what it was designed to do, seeking reward and avoiding discomfort. The question isn't whether alcohol is meeting the need, because it is. The question is what is that need? For me, it was belonging, connection, the absolute terror of being a high schooler on the outside of every friend group. For other women, it's different. I see women who are drinking to manage anxiety that they've been dealing with for years. And the alcohol is actually making worse. Women who are drinking to numb grief that they've never let themselves feel. The loss of a marriage, a friendship, a person, a version of themselves that they thought that they would be by now. Women who are drinking to decompress from a life that is genuinely too full, too demanding, and too relentless. Sometimes it's self-inflicted. Women who are drinking because it's the one thing in the day that belongs to them. Women who are drinking to avoid an invitation from God that they're not sure they're ready to say yes to. None of that. None of that is weakness. All of it is the flesh. But here's what I know Alcohol cannot actually meet any of those needs. It can mask them, it can postpone them, it can make them quieter for a few hours, but I promise you it will never, ever heal them. Only God can do that, and he wants to. Isaiah 43.1 says, and I love this verse, I've said it on this podcast many times, but I want you to hear it slowly. But now, thus says the Lord. He who created you, He who formed you. Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. He called you by name. Not by your habit, not by the thing you reach for at 5 p.m. and not by the gap between who you are and who you want to be. By name. You are his. I want to invite you to put your own name in that verse. Read it out loud. Fear not Christie, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. See what I did there? Write it out, speak it out. Let that seep into your bones before you move on today. So where do you start? How do you actually begin to answer the question? What am I really drinking for? I want to give you one simple practice, not a challenge, not a program, just one thing to try this week. The next time you feel the pull toward a drink before you pour it, or while you're holding it, ask yourself one question. What am I feeling right now? Not what do I want? What am I feeling? Is it the stress, loneliness, boredom, relief that the day is over, the desire to disappear for a little while? Anxiety about something you haven't dealt with yet? Just notice. You don't have to fix it, you don't have to white knuckle your way through it. Just get curious about what is actually happening underneath that craving. Because awareness is always the first step. You cannot heal what you have not named, and you cannot name what you haven't even looked at. This is the beginning of the real work. And it's so much more in-depth and actually pretty interesting when you start asking those questions than trying to will yourself to stop. So I want to mention something again that later this summer, I am running the sober-ish summer for the second year. Last year, something really clicked for the women who went through it. And I think because we were doing exactly this kind of work together, not just try not to drink, but actually getting underneath the habit and asking the real questions. I'm working on making it even better this year. I don't have a registration date yet, but it's coming soon. And you will be the first to know when I do. So if you are not already, subscribe to this podcast, hit that button now. And if you have a friend who needs to hear this episode, the woman who still has it together on the outside but knows something's off, send it to her. She needs this conversation, even if she doesn't know how to find it yet. Okay, friend, here's what I want you to carry with you from today. You are not fighting a wine problem. You are tending to a wound that wine was trying to cover. And that is actually good news because wounds can heal, especially when you stop numbing them and start bringing them into the light. Eve believed the lie that she needed to do something, to have something to be someone, to be enough. And so did I. And maybe if you look closely, you might realize that you have to. But God has been telling us the truth since before any of us were born. You are made in his image. You are called by name. You are already his. That is where this work begins. I'll be back again next week. We're going to get very specific and maybe a little funny because I know about your aunt and the girls' trip and the oh, come on, it's summer people in your life. And we're going to talk about exactly how to handle all of that. Until then, get curious, ask those questions, and let God into whatever the answer is. I'll talk to you again soon. Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well. And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the