Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives. Women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Christie Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and I'm so glad you're here.

 Okay, so I wanna start today by asking you something, and I just want you to sit with it for a second. No judging yourself, no analyzing, no shame. Just notice. And the question is this, is there a time of day, maybe somewhere in that four to 6:00 PM window where something shifts in you? Where your brain, almost without your permission, starts moving toward the thought of having a drink.

Now, maybe it's not even a full blown craving. Maybe it's more subtle than that, kind of like a compass needle that just quietly swings in one direction. You're starting dinner, the kids are loud, work is technically over, but nobody told that to your nervous system and your husband's about to walk in the door or already has, and he needs something too.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, a thought arrives almost on its own. And the thought is this, I could really use a glass of wine right now. And maybe you have one, maybe you have two. Maybe you told yourself that morning that you definitely were not going to, and then you did it anyway, and now you're standing at the kitchen counter feeling this complex mix of relief, but also annoyance with yourself for giving in.

Maybe you're not even sure how it became such a reliable part of your evening, how it became this ingrained habit, but it just did. If you felt even a small flicker of recognition in what I just said, then this episode is for you because today I wanna offer you something and I promise it's not gonna be a lecture.

It's not gonna be a challenge, not a meal plan or a mocktail recipe, or a list of things that you should be doing differently. I just wanna offer you. Reframe one that I genuinely believe can change everything once it starts to click, and here it is. You may not actually need a drink, you just need a transition.

That's the whole episode. We're going to unpack that together. We're going to get practical, and I'm going to bring in the piece that I think matters most, the part that no one talks about enough.

But let's start at the beginning. The first thing that I want you to know is this is not a willpower problem. I need to say this right out of the gate because I think it's the thing that most women get wrong, including me for a long time. If you're struggling with evening drinking, if it feels a little out of your control, and if you keep saying, I'm going to cut back, and then you don't.

You have probably at some point told yourself that the problem is you, that you are weak, that you don't have enough discipline, that all the other women can handle all the other things, and something is off with you. Now, I wanna say this as kindly and compassionately as I possibly can, and that is, that's actually not what's happening.

This is not a discipline problem and it's not a character flaw. It is also not evidence that you're beyond help or that faith isn't working for you or that you just don't want it badly enough. What this is in the vast majority of cases of clients that I work with is a nervous system issue, and once you understand that, everything starts to make a lot more sense.

Here's what I actually mean. Think about what your real day looks like, not an Instagram version of your day, your actual day. You wake up and you're already on. Your brain starts going before your feet, even half time to hit the floor. And someone, someone needs something. Oh, there are decisions to be made.

What's for breakfast? Where's that permission slip? Did I respond to that text? Is that appointment today or tomorrow? What are we doing for dinner? Did I send that email? Look, you are managing, producing, giving, solving, soothing, functioning all day long. And here is something I want you to understand about your nervous system.

It does not get a lunch break. It doesn't clock out at noon and come back all refreshed. It is running in the background of every single thing you do, holding tension, processing, absorbing the emotions and needs and chaos of everyone around you. Every decision you make, even the small, simple ones, they cost your brain something and researchers actually call this, there's a name for it, decision fatigue, and it's very real.

I'm sure you're nodding your head. Yeah, I do. I do have that. So then of course, by the time you hit four or five or 6:00 PM. You are tapped. You're empty. You're like, I have nothing left in my tank, because you've been pouring out all day and no one including you has poured anything back in.

And that's when the alcohol shows up. Hey, , let me help. I am here to help you. And the thing is. It actually does help in the short term. That's the part that makes this so absolutely complicated, and I wanna be honest about that because I think it's important. If alcohol didn't work at all, this wouldn't be a conversation.

We wouldn't even be talking about this. But it works. It lowers your heart rate, it quiets the mental noise. It allows you to take a. Forced exhale. It tells your body in a very chemical way. Hey, the day is over.

It gives you a forced exhale. And it tells your body in a very dynamic and chemical way. That the day is over, or at least you've transitioned into the second half of your day or the last part of your day. The problem isn't that it doesn't do anything. The problem is what it costs you to get that relief.

It costs you your sleep, costs you presence, your morning clarity. Your relationship with yourself, maybe your kids, your husband, your sense of who you are becoming. And the more you use alcohol as the thing to slow you down to rest, the more your brain decides. It's the only way that you can do that, which is when a habit becomes a trap.

So knowing that makes the pool towards alcohol. Make complete sense. And that's what I mean when I say it's not just a personal weakness. That is an exhausted depleted. You looking for relief in the fastest available place. And you've heard me say this before, our brains are very efficient.

They want to conserve energy, so they're gonna look for the absolutely. Fastest way to get you the relief that you want.

You need something. It's not alcohol, but what is it? So now we're gonna talk about why evenings feel so different because I have women all the time say like I go out to lunch and alcohol's not even in my thought process. I go out to coffee with friends, I do this, I do that. But why is it the evening when it just becomes so loud?

Because the evening is where the transition lives. And here's what I mean by that. Your day has a shape to it. There's an on mode when you're producing, functioning, managing, performing, deciding, and then there's an off mode where you get to rest, receive, exhale, and just be you.

And the evening is that in-between space. It's kind of the hinge of the threshold between the two times of day. If you can visualize that and crossing that threshold, truly crossing it, not just physically walking from one room to the other. Takes something your nervous system does not automatically downshift the moment you close your laptop or pull into the driveway. It'd be nice, but it's, it doesn't work like that. You have been running on adrenaline and cortisol all day, and those hormones don't just disappear at 5:00 PM they linger, which means that you arrive.

At the evening still wound up, still activated, still in some version of that on mode, even when the demands of the day are technically over and you know, when you're a mom and and stuff, it's not like over over. You still have things that you. Do and need to do for your children, for your family, your husband in the evening, but it's a different type of mode.

Or maybe you get the kids to bed and that's when you're like, oh, now I can relax. And you have, have that alcohol. And so you have something that's the bridge. Alcohol has become that bridge to get that relief or reward. So it's about changing that thing in the middle.

 But if you don't have something in place to kind of. Get you to that transition, then your brain is gonna find something on its own. Like I said, it's been trained to reach for alcohol, and it's not because you're weak or you made some terrible decision one day, it's because alcohol. Alcohol showed up reliably in that moment.

So you might have had stress, have a glass of wine, you get that relief. You do it again, stress glass of wine, get that relief, whatever that tr that cue is for you. It's the cue craving reward cycle. And so repetition of that has trained your brain , and the brain is just incredibly good at learning it. Notice this moment of overwhelm plus this drink equals relief, and it filed it away, and it started automating it. So this is why evening drinking feels so automatic for most women. , For so many of my clients, they'll say like, I don't even remembering to decide to pour the glass of wine. I just did. And that's because at a neurological level, your brain is not asking for your input anymore. Like it's, it's like, I got you girl. I know what you need.

I know what the answer is, and that. That pattern, that automatic association is what we're actually working to change. So I wanna get specific for a second because I think talking about the exact moments helps women recognize what's actually happening for them. So for a lot of you, the trigger is making dinner.

There's something about standing at the stove, the combination of it, you know, being the end of the day, the busyness of cooking, the mental weight that you might still be carrying and thinking I have to feed everyone. And that pulls you toward the comfort. That you're seeking that comfort towards a drink

for others, it's when your husband gets home and , this one is less about him and more about the moment. That shift from, I've been holding everything alone all day to now there's another person in this space. It can be a relief, but it can still feel like a gear shift at the same time. You love him, you're glad he's home, but your nervous system is just starting to recalibrate.

So that's not a marriage problem. It's an exhaustion problem.

For some of you, it's changing your clothes that moment. Of transition between work you and home. You and your brain has learned that the drink goes with that change in outfit in ati. So you get in your comfy clothes, grab a glass of wine, and that's just become a habit. And then still others. It's for social situations.

Now you, it might be a combination of these, it might be all of these, but for social situations, getting ready to go somewhere or arriving somewhere and feeling the need to take the edge off before you really show up, that's where alcohol becomes the thing that you feel like you can actually use. To be there without disappearing into anxiety, especially if your tank is already on empty.

And for some of you, and I say this with so much love, it's the silence. It's the moment that the chaos dies down, that the house gets quiet, and suddenly there's no noise to hide in and quiet for a lot of us. Feels really unsettling because in the quiet you can actually hear yourself and sometimes you might not be sure that you even want to.

 Now I'm not going to belabor that point for too long today because it's really a whole other conversation. It could be a whole other podcast episode and maybe it will be, but I want to talk just for a second because if the quiet is the trigger for you, the answer is not more noise. The answer is learning to be with yourself again, and that's something that God really does wanna help you with.

Now, here's the spiritual piece. I am a Catholic sobriety coach. This is a Catholic podcast, so I'm going to say the thing here is what I have come to believe, and I say this not as a theological argument, but as someone who has lived it and walked it with many women, a lot of women are using alcohol to create a pause that they have not learned to receive from God.

Let me say that again. They're using alcohol to manufacture or create a moment of rest, of release of finally that they have not learned to receive from the Lord. And I'm not saying this to shame you or make you feel guilty, I promise you that is not my intention. It's about awareness. I'm saying it because I think it is the most true, most important thing that I can say about this whole pattern.

And because naming it clearly is actually where freedom starts. Think about what. You're actually chasing in that evening moment. You wanna exhale. You wanna feel like you're allowed to stop or shut off your brain. You want comfort. You want to feel taken care of. You want to lay something down that's just been too heavy to carry, or it's gotten so much heavier carrying it throughout the day.

Those are not bad desires. They are actually deeply holy wants. Those are wants of a soul that was made for rest, made for communion, made to be held by something bigger than itself. The problem is that we are bringing those wants to alcohol instead of to God it can fake the exhale, but it cannot actually hold you.

It cannot actually restore you, and I promise that it cannot give you what you are actually aching for, what you are needing most. But God can. Here's where I want to just gently push back on something that I think a lot of Catholic women wrestle with, and that is the idea that more faith just means try harder.

That the spiritual answer to the struggle is to read the Bible more, go to mass more, pray harder, be better. Those are all good things to strive for. That's not necessarily the answer here.

If you think that if you just had more discipline, more devotion, more willpower, that you'd be fine. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about learning to receive from God. Which is a completely different posture than trying harder for God.

Jesus did not white knuckle his way through his ministry work. No, he withdrew. He went to a quiet place to pray where the father could pour into him. He did this regularly and on purpose. He went to quiet places. The gospels tell us again and again that he went away. Away from the crowds, away from the demands, away from the people who needed things from him to pray, to be with the Father, to receive.

And if Jesus needed that, our divine Lord needed that to build that rhythm into his days, and so do you. He is not asking you to do more. He's inviting you to come, come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Not try harder and then I'll give you rest, not be better, and then you can rest come as you are weary, depleted, anxious, empty, come.

That is the transition. That's the bridge, not manufactured, not counterfeit, not chemical. Rest actually restores you. Now, I know for some of you that sounds beautiful and completely abstract, like. Okay, but what does it look like at 5:15 PM when the chicken's still frozen? Because that happens to me all the time.

The kids are screaming, and you wanna pour a glass of wine? How does come to me apply to that moment? That's what I wanna get to now, the most practical thing that I want you to take away from this. Episode is that you need a transition ritual on purpose planned out with intention before the trigger moment hits.

Not a complicated one, not a perfect one,

Not one that requires a completely quiet and peaceful house and an hour of free time. Because if that's a requirement, I know that you will never do it, and you know that too, but I'm talking about something small, 10 to 15 minutes, maybe even less, something that does one job. It tells your brain and your body

that you are transitioning into your evening. That's the whole goal. You are building a bridge, and that bridge doesn't have to be grand, it just has to be consistent, and here's why that consistency matters more than intensity. Your brain, as we talked about before, learns through repetition.

So if you can learn that alcohol is quick and easy and, and all of those things, it can unlearn it too. The reason that alcohol feels so automatic is because your brain has run that pattern hundreds of times. The way you retrain your brain is not through some dramatic moment of strength and willpower.

It's through showing up. With a new pattern over and over until the brain starts to recognize it and trust it. Willpower can only work for so long. That is why consistency is the key. So let me just give you a few examples of what this could actually look like.

The first one is going to sound super simple, and it's something that if it's been associated with alcohol, it's probably not the transition for you, but if you come home and you don't even have time to change your clothes and put something on that's more comfortable, then this could be really helpful.

Think about Mr. Rogers. He comes in, he takes off his sports jacket, puts on his comfy sweater, and then talks to the children. Just think of it like that. He gets comfortable as soon as he gets to. Mr. Rogers neighborhood house, I don't know what you call it, but when you get home, you can transition into that more comfortable state.

You're shifting from day to evening. Another thing you can do is to just go outside for five minutes. And I'm not talking about a walk or exercise, like just go outside on your back patio or in your front yard and just stand there. Notice things. Notice. Do you hear birds? Do you feel the wind on your face?

Breathe actual air and just let your nervous system calm. And just look at the sky and remember that something greater beyond this earthly world exists, that our Lord is with us in this transition. Another thing that some women find helpful is to light a candle, make it a ritual, like the same candle, in the same spot, the same intention.

Something that says this moment right now is different from the moment before it. You can also replace that glass of wine with tea or sparkling water. Put it in a cute, fun, fancy glass. It. And you will notice that your brain will partially respond to the ritual of a drink, even though it's not doing the exact same things, you know, the alcohol does.

It is a signal that says, this is for me. And you can keep the ritual and change what's in the glass. And I've had women tell me that this works so well. And it doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to be mocktails. It doesn't have to be like an NA or non-alcoholic replacement, just something different and make that a ritual.

Maybe this is one of my favorite things, is to just listen to a worship song. Like before you even start dinner,

before you dive into the chaos in the evening, just one song, eyes closed, praising the Lord, and just let it seep down into your bones.

Something else that can be super helpful is to pray a decade of the rosary. Seriously. 10 Hail Marys Two minutes. You can do this while you're standing at the stove and it will actually shift something in your , interior world. That wine never could try it. Let me know how it goes.

And then I think setting a rule for yourself, or a boundary, whatever you wanna call it, that a lot of women I work with find genuinely helpful is the rule, the commitment, the promise, the boundary of no drinking while cooking. Now, this isn't a punishment. It's not a rule to white knuckle your way through dinner, but it's a boundary around that trigger moment, the transition point, so that you can start building a new association with it.

You're rewiring your brain. And that way the kitchen can become a place where you practice the transition, where you light the candle, put on the music, take that breath, make that transition without needing to be numbed to do it.

Now I wanna close with this. If you've been struggling with evening drinking and if you've been feeling ashamed of it or confused by it, or just exhausted by the cycle of trying and failing and trying again, I want you to hear me say this clearly. You are just depleted and you have been looking for relief in a place that can't actually give it to you.

I mean, it may feel like it does, but not really. Not in the way that you actually need it. But that can change not through more willpower, not through more shame, not through any more mean girl self-talk, but through learning slowly, practicing with a lot of grace so that you can build a life that actually supports your peace.

So that you can cross that transition bridge without falling into the river to let the Lord be your rest instead of manufacturing escape that is possible for you. I believe that completely. I've seen it over and over. I've seen it in my own life and I've seen it with so many women that I work with.

And if you need help, I'm here to walk with you every step of the way. If this episode resonated with you, will you please share it? Send it to a friend who you think needs it. If you could leave a review , that would be so helpful as well, because that will help more women find this space.

I'll be back again next week, and

until then, take care of yourself and remember that you are deeply loved by the God who created you. I'll talk to you again soon.

 Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well, and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about.

The coaching that I offer, visit my website, the Catholic sobriety coach.com. Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic Sobriety Coach. I look forward to speaking to you next. Time and remember, I am here for you. I am praying for you.