Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives. Women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Christie Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and I'm so glad you're here.

I am so excited because my husband and I get to go to one of our favorite events of the year, and that's our son's school's annual auction. Now, if you've never been to one of these, let me tell you, it's a great time. It's one night a year where you actually get to hang out with parents that maybe you only see at pickup and drop off, or maybe sporting events.

I love our community, and I genuinely look forward to it every single year. I think this is our 13th. Time going and we just have a great time every time. And yes, there will be a signature cocktail. There will be wine on the tables, probably there typically is, there'll be craft beer and whiskey. There'll be games of chance to win wine or whiskey.

I mean. It's a whole spread and it's a party and it's a real one. And again, it's for such a good cause and I think it's wonderful.

And here's the thing, I'll be there like I always am completely alcohol free, having a fantastic time. And because I've been doing events like this for decades now without alcohol, it doesn't phase me even a little bit. But I do remember when it did, and I know that for some of you listening. It still does.

Today's episode is not about dreading the party or the event or the social gathering, and it's not about white knuckling your way through a room full of people that are having fun.

It's about going in free. Knowing who you are so clearly, so confidently, so completely that no one handing you a glass of wine has any power over your evening. And that's what I want for you. Freedom looks like joy, confidence looks like ease. So let's talk about how to do that. Now, let me paint the picture.

You walk in the room, smells like hor d'oeuvres. It just is so much fun. Everything looks beautiful. The centerpieces, there's so much for your eyes to look at and take in. And everyone's stressed up and the energy is high. People are laughing, catching up, hugging, doing that thing where you squeeze someone's arm and say, oh gosh, it's so good to see you.

And then it happens. Someone you know, someone you like turns to you with a glass and says, oh, hey, I got one for you. Or the server comes around and before you can wave them off, there's a wine glass in your hand. And maybe you handled it completely gracefully. Maybe you smiled and said, oh, I'm good. Thank you, and moved right along.

But maybe, especially if you are early in your journey. There's a little flicker. There's that split second of, okay, here we go.

Now, even though I go into these events, like knowing exactly what I'm gonna do and what I'm gonna have and things like that, I'm not gonna say that. I don't have those fleeting thoughts of , oh, it'd be so nice just to have one and be like everybody else. It's not a craving for alcohol. In the least.

I don't want alcohol, I promise you. But it's more of that connection that, , being like everybody else. So I will share one awkward moment. Usually it's no drama for me. I go, I order, you know, my husband goes, we go up to the bar, he'll get like a craft beer or whatever, and I usually just order a soda water with cranberry and lime.

That's what I order. Sometimes the bartenders are amazing and they'll put it in like a really pretty glass, and other times they put it in a glass that looks like it's made for a root beer for a 5-year-old. But whatever. I get what I want to drink. But this one time, I think it was a couple of years ago, I decided I.

You know what? I'm gonna order a virgin mojito. I'm gonna order a non-alcoholic mojito. 'cause I do like those. And there's quite a few restaurants that actually have that on their menu. So I ordered it and oh my gosh, the bartender was. Uh, I don't know. It, it made me feel awkward, but, and then there's like people behind me and she's like, oh, well we don't have the this and we don't have the that.

And I'm like, well, do you have anything that might be like that, that you can mix together? And she's like. No, you would have to go to the main bar, which is in the middle of the hotel. And I was just, by that time I was so flustered. I was so embarrassed actually. And I was just like, just give me sparkling water with cranberry and lime.

And I took it and I went. And that was a hard moment. That was actually one of the hardest moments that I've ever had at one of these events. Not because I wanted alcohol or anything, but because I felt like she was being, like, she wasn't being helpful to me, and I'm sure she was. I'm sure she was right, and, and, and all of that.

And it was my insecurities that kind of put my guard up and made me feel like defensive in a way.

So here's what I wanna say about that. I saw in that moment that it's not really about the drink it, it's not whether or not I got my mocktail or not. That was just the surface. What's underneath it for you. And for me, it's something much more human. And that again, is the desire to belong, to have it be easy to actually be in the room and not just standing in it. And here is the beautiful thing.

That desire is not a weakness. It's actually the whole point. You want to connect, you want to be present. You want to have a great night with people that you enjoy being around. And whatever is or isn't in your glass is not the obstacle to that. It's actually what makes it possible.

So as I worked with clients, I started to understand this more and more, and honestly, it changed everything for me because in that moment when someone pours wine into your glass and then you feel a flush of like social anxiety and that pull toward just going along with it. Your willpower isn't what is being tested.

Your identity is. Now, here's the thing about that quiet pool toward just going along.

It is not a big, obvious temptation. It's so much more subtle. It sounds like just this. Once you've been so good, you don't wanna be the difficult one. Everybody's gonna be looking at you, and it sounds like the version of yourself that just wants everything to be easy and fun and uncomplicated, but that voice.

It's not telling the truth because the most present, the most fun, the most genuinely, genuinely connected version of you is going to be the one that is clearheaded, the one who actually remembers every conversation in the morning, the one who drives home safely and wakes up without regret. That is exactly why Willpower alone isn't the answer, and it's also why you don't need to rely on it.

Willpower is a resource. It's something that we do use sometimes, and sometimes it's necessary, but it depletes. It is not sustaining, and you can run out of it by 8:00 PM on a Saturday night after a very long week. But identity, identity is different. Identity is a well that you keep returning to. Now this changed for me when I stopped thinking things like, I wish I could just be normal.

I wish I could just drink like everybody else, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I would just say these things to myself over and over and over again, and instead of doing that. I just started telling myself over and over again, I am a non-drinker. And left it at that. I'm a non-drinker. I don't drink alcohol. It's just like somebody who's allergic to peanut butter. I don't eat peanut butter. I will have a terrible reaction, so I don't eat it,

But even deeper than that, even deeper than that is our identity as a beloved daughter of God, that our temples, our bodies, as a Holy Spirit right now. The early church understood this in a way I find incredibly comforting. The first Christians were not just swimming against the current of Roman culture.

They were mocked for it. They excluded for it, sometimes killed for it. And I know, I know that passing around a glass of wine at a school auction is not the same as what they faced, but here's what held them through all of it. It wasn't a strategy, it wasn't a system. It was the knowledge, not just of who they were, but whose they were. And that's what we're gonna be building on today. Not a script, not a coping mechanism. We are building on a foundation.

So to do that, I want to give you something practical before we go any further. Something I do before I walk into any event where I know that alcohol will be present is to ask myself two questions. , I do this in my head now, but I think that writing them out or saying them out loud is even better.

The first question is, whose approval am I most afraid of losing tonight? So if you have an event coming up or social gathering or something where you know alcohol's going to be present and you have the intention not to drink at all, or not to drink as much, then ask yourself this question. Get specific.

Is it your sister-in-law who always has a glass in her hand? Is it your work colleagues who've never seen you say? No, thank you

Or is it your old college friends? Who knew the old you, the version of you? The fun one, the social one that's afraid of disappearing.

Name it, because what you're afraid of losing tells you exactly where you're still looking for your worth. The second question to ask yourself is this, how do I want to feel at the end of the evening and tomorrow morning? I ask this one because I have a very clear memory of both versions. I know what the end of the night feels like when I've made a choice I'm proud of, and I know what the morning feels like when I didn't.

And I'd be willing to bet you do as well.

Now, even though I've been alcohol free for decades, I can still remember like it was yesterday, what it felt like to go into . An event and overdrink over consume and then wake up the next morning not feeling great. , Having regret, wondering what I said, what I did, all those kinds of things. And I get it.

You're probably not where I was at that point, but, but this is something that really sticks with me and when people ask me like, how have you been able. To, you know, maintain your sobriety for so long. It's just reminding myself of that, reminding myself of what those mornings felt like and what every other morning has felt like since I stopped drinking.

Every other, even, even the ones where I do wake up with a headache, even the ones where I don't feel great, it's still infinitely better than any morning I woke up after having consumed alcohol.

So what I generally. Ask people to do is not just ask yourself these questions, but then start to journal about what you are feeling afterwards too. And if you had set an intention, just you know, not to have any alcohol or to have one in two, and then one or two, and then you ended up having more. I don't want you to just stuff it down to feel shame about it or anything like that.

What you need to do is actually bring it out and look at it, and not from a place of judgment at all. I want you to examine it from a place of curiosity. You're collecting data, right? You're just looking at it like a scientist. What was my intention? What happened? What was the trigger? What was the thought?

What was the emotion I was looking for? You know, all of those types of things that led up to maybe having more than you intended to, or having someone you said you weren't going to, and how do you feel the next morning?

Alternately, it'd be great for you to do the same thing when you are able to keep your commitment that you made to yourself. What did you feel like during the event? What emotions came up for you? Were, were there any thoughts of, you know, insecurity and things like that? How did you move past it? What did you feel like at the end of the night?

What did you feel like the next morning and. Those are great to have because again, that is data for the next time you have an event. This is what worked, this is what didn't, and then you can use that to plan accordingly. Or, or at least be prepared for what might come the next time.

Now I want to give you something just to kind of hold onto, not like a mantra. Well, maybe it's a mantra. I don't really know the definition of that, but more than that, it's, it's a truth. It's God's truth, and in Jeremiah one, five, God speaks directly to Jeremiah before he's done anything, before he's proved anything, before he's even become anyone yet.

And he says, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you before you are born. I set you apart. Before I formed you in the womb. I knew you. God did not set you apart so you could spend a Saturday night managing other people's comfort with your choices. Because sometimes we think, oh, I should probably just go along to get along because I don't wanna be a wet blanket.

I don't wanna make other people feel uncomfortable, right? Sometimes it's not even about. Us feeling like we don't want to have the alcohol or drink, like we don't wanna be rude or we don't wanna make other people feel uncomfortable. But that's not the calling. The calling is not to manage other people's comfort with your choices.

The Lord set you apart because he has something specific for you to be and do, and that's something, whatever it is for you requires clarity. It requires presence. It requires freedom. When we numb or blur the edges with alcohol or anything like that, we are not fully present to those around us. We might miss things that we are supposed to see, things we are supposed to hear, or maybe even things we are supposed to say to somebody else.

I leave an event knowing that I've been fully present with every person that I talk to. I know that I'm not gonna have to wonder what I said to somebody, and that makes me feel good because back in the day when I was drinking, there were many times I couldn't remember anything or I'd make somebody mad and I didn't even remember what I said about it.

So. It's such a gift to be able to be fully present to those around you.

You belong to God first and fully, without condition, without performance.

The Lord knew you before you were born.

And that truth is more solid than any social script, and it's more studying and peaceful. Than any drink you could ever hold in your hand. I. Okay. I am not gonna leave you without a few practical things to put into your toolbox before you go into an event. Okay? The first one is just give yourself permission to be the most fun person in the room.

I mean that like you are going to remember everything. You are going to be fully present in every conversation. You're going to drive home clearheaded and wake up feeling great and have zero regrets, and that my friend is not a Constellation prize. That is the prize when you can let go of fomo. The fear of missing out and in.

Embrace the joy of missing out and all that you're gonna gain by . Not having the alcohol, the glass of wine, whatever it is.

Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a fun event. I am gonna go in and I'm going to order my soda water with cranberry juice and a twist of lime, and I'm going to be so excited to see my friends. We might even get to do a little line dancing. I don't know. I think it is gonna be a really fun event. It's western themed and so .

I'm just really looking forward to it.

Another tip is to have a drink in your hand. If you have a drink in your hand, then you'll be less likely to turn to, you know what? To grab that glass of champagne off of the tray or, you know, pour a glass after off of the table.

You'll have your drink and you'll be satisfied. So you can have a club soda, sparkling water, a fancy mocktail if the venue has one. And this actually stops people from asking you, can I get something?

Because you already have something in your hand, and you don't have to worry about it.

Another thing is just to have your line ready and keep it, keep it light. You don't owe anyone an explanation. A very simple, I'm good with this, thanks or no thank you with a smile and eye contact is all you need. Just be confident and warm and unbothered, like know it's coming and know you're prepared.

And then just keep talking about literally anything else. The item you're bidding on, your shoes, the appetizers, . A funny thing your kid did, just move on and let them move on as well. And then decide ahead of time what a great night looks like. Not just a survival plan, but have a vision. Like what conversations do you want to have?

Who do you wanna connect with? What do you wanna walk away feeling? Set that intention before you ever walk in the door.

So if you have an event coming up this weekend or a social gathering or anything like this, do this before you walk in. Before you get out of the car, before you hand over your coat, before the first person even sees you and waves across the room, say something out loud, not in your head, but out loud, in the car, to yourself, to your husband, whatever.

Maybe it'll feel a little ridiculous. It probably will, but say this, I know who I am and whose I am. I don't need alcohol to belong. My full presence will be my gift to others and to myself. Now I know I can see you rolling your eyes. You're probably thinking that sounds a little cheesy, and maybe it is, but say it anyway because your nervous system responds.

Differently to words that you say out loud than to all of those thoughts bouncing around in your head. 'cause if you're like me, there's a lot of 'em.

There's actually something about the physicality of it, of hearing yourself say the thing that makes it more real. Put your brain on notice. Puts the enemy on notice, and it's not just something that you're saying to psyche yourself up. Okay? Say it with confidence. You are reminding yourself of something that is already true.

And that's a prayer. So invite Jesus into the event with you. Like literally say his name. Say, come with me into this room. I need you in there with me. 'cause he will, he shows up in the most ordinary, heavily decorated, auction bidding, awkward, small talk places that you could even imagine.

Alright, friend. Wherever you are headed tonight or tomorrow or next weekend, you've got this. Not because you're strong enough, but because you are known and you are loved, you are set apart. And you already belong. Walk into that room confident in who you are and who you are.

If thank you so much for spending this time with me today. If you liked it, share it with a woman in your life who needs to hear it. And if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts, that would be amazing because that will help more women find their way to this podcast.

Until then, know who you are and who you are and I'll see you next time. 

 Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well, and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about.

The coaching that I offer, visit my website, the Catholic sobriety coach.com. Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic Sobriety Coach. I look forward to speaking to you next. Time and remember, I am here for you. I am praying for you.