Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives. Women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Christie Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and I'm so glad you're here.

 You're out to dinner with your husband. The waiter comes over and your husband orders an old fashioned, and suddenly your brain starts doing that thing. You know, the thing where you think, well, he's drinking. It would be weird if I didn't. Maybe, maybe just tonight, but then another voice pops in. But I said I wasn't drinking tonight.

And now you are sitting there at this lovely dinner with your husband having a quiet little mental debate while your husband is just happily looking through the menu. If you've ever been in that moment, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. And something that women don't always think about when they decide to drink less or eliminate alcohol is what happens if your husband doesn't change with you, because sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't.

Sometimes he's very supportive, but still drinking. Sometimes he forgets you're not drinking and he offers you wine or stops by the store and grabs your favorite. And sometimes you are navigating a situation where you love your husband and your husband loves you, but suddenly you're just in two very different places when it comes to alcohol.

And that's exactly what I wanna talk about today. So this comes up in coaching all the time. Actually, it's come up in my sacred Sobriety lab, and recently it came up in a group coaching call in my Lenten program that I'm running. And the women say things like, I'm trying to reduce alcohol, but my husband still drinks.

And typically they're not. Angry about it. They love their husbands. Their husbands love them. Their husbands are supportive. It's just a dynamic that they didn't actually anticipate because when women first start questioning their drinking, they're often thinking about one of two scenarios. Either their husband will naturally and joyfully join them, or they really don't think it's gonna affect them at all.

But the reality is usually somewhere in the middle, he might be supportive. He might say, yeah, that sounds great, if that's what you wanna do. But then at the end of the day, he still pours a glass of wine at dinner or orders a beer when you go out or brings home your favorite bottle, because that's always been your Friday night routine.

And suddenly you're navigating something new inside your relationship that's otherwise completely loving and healthy.

This came up in a group coaching call one time, and it made everyone laugh because it was so relatable. One woman said, I'm trying to drink less, but my husband still pours me a glass of wine, like nothing has changed. And every woman on the call just started nodding because they've all had that moment where they think, did we not talk about this?

And then another woman had said, my husband is so supportive, but he also brings home my favorite wine. Which is sweet, but when you're trying to reduce or eliminate alcohol, it's also not particularly helpful. And again, most of the time this isn't because your husband's trying to sabotage anything.

It's because alcohol has been part of the relationship rhythm for a long time. Wine with dinner drinks on a date night, a glass wall watching a show, celebrating something going out on the patio, just unwinding together after the kids go to bed. So when one person changes that pattern, the other person often just keeps doing what they've always done.

Now, here's something I tell women in coaching, and I think I've actually recorded a podcast episode about it. If not, it definitely went out in a newsletter and it's that your husband is usually not the best accountability partner for this process.

Unless he's doing the exact same thing you are, and here's why. Accountability works best when both people are equally committed to the same goal. But if you are reducing alcohol and your husband is still drinking normally, you're actually living in two different experiences around alcohol.

Your husband might think, why is this such a big deal? And you are thinking, the wine chatter is even stronger right now, and those are two completely different realities. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with your marriage, it just means that this particular journey is yours.

The other thing is if your intention is not to drink and you tell your husband that like, my intention is not to drink, but then you ask him or you tell him, well, I'm just gonna drink anyway. Most of the time, he's not gonna be like, oh no, no, no, you said you weren't gonna drink. They're not gonna do that.

They love you. They wanna see you happy. And you know they're going to say, okay, if that's what you want, then let's order you a drink.

So that's another level of accountability that husbands just, they kind of feel like they're in a rough position when something like that comes up and we don't wanna put them in that position. So I wanna share something about my own marriage here, because I think it'll help

my husband drinks and I don't, he doesn't drink a lot. He's one of those guys that can just have one and. He's good. Like I look at him and I'm like, how can you even do that? But that's just how he is. I've literally never seen him have more than like two. Beers and when we met I was already alcohol free.

So our relationship has always looked like this. It's funny 'cause my kids joke because I, when I did drink back in my drinking days, I really liked beer. And so I'm not really a fan of like. Non-alcoholic wines and stuff, although I have found a couple that I think are good, but I really like non-alcoholic beer.

So even before all this explosion of non-alcoholic beers that we have now, I just had like odus basically back then and maybe a couple others. I would have , my kids called it my fake beer. And dad would have his regular beer. And I wanted them to know. Like, mine is different than dad's I don't drink because I really wanted them to get a clear picture that you can still have something special, , without it actually having to have alcohol in it.

So anyway, so our relationship has always looked like this. He'll have a beer. Sometimes I'll have a non-alcoholic drink. Sometimes I'll just have. Iced tea. , And it's never been weird for us. It's, it's normal for us. But here's the funny thing that I've come to know in these 21 years of being married to my wonderful husband, is that when it comes to other habits like eating healthier, cutting sugar, or exercising more.

Well then Sister, I completely understand what many of you are dealing with. If I decide I'm going to eat really clean for a while and my husband is on board with that, but then he's not really on board with that. Like he brings home ice cream or he. Is it really eating the way that we agreed that we were going to.

I know that it's not because he's sabotaging me. I know that he's making his own choices and he's living his life, but suddenly I'm like. Oh wow. This is a lot harder when someone in the house is not on the same page. My husband and I have done lots of things together. Um, you know, we've done some like elimination diets and things like that together, and when we are on the same page it is solid.

Like we're solid. But when we're doing different things, it can be, , it can be a little difficult. So. The same is true for him though. Like if he's doing things like he does Exodus 90. So, , even though, , we're both doing our Lenin sacrifices, his are a little more intense than mine and so, you know, he's having to look at me and think, oh, she gets warm showers and I get cold showers.

Because cold showers is a thing with Exodus 90 anyway, so it goes both ways. But I, I tell you all of that so that you know that I do understand this dynamic, and that's where. One of the most helpful pieces of advice that I can give you will come in and you can probably guess what I'm gonna say. Stay in your lane.

Okay? Your lane is your choices. Your husband's lane is his choices. And the moment we start watching what the other person is doing too closely, that's when things start to get a lot harder, especially. When a thought spiral starts. Okay, so let's go back to that restaurant for a moment.

Your husband orders a drink and suddenly the thought spiral begins while he's drinking. It would be weird if I didn't drink, maybe just tonight.

And then the other voice says, but I said I wasn't drinking tonight. And then another thought comes in, oh, forget it, if he's drinking, so am I. That moment. Happens to a lot of women. I just wanna put that out there. It happens a lot, and it's not because you're weak, it's just because alcohol has been tied to the connection and celebration in your relationship, and your brain has learned something over time.

That wine equals together time. That wine equals relaxing together. It equals date night. So when wine or alcohol disappears, the brain is gonna panic a little bit, right? Wait, we're losing that connection to our husband as well. But the truth is, the connection was never the wine. The wine was just the ritual.

The other question that sometimes comes up is, how will I be able to connect fully with my husband without alcohol? And that's when intimacy is intertwined with alcohol. So I invite you to go back and listen to an interview that I did with Ellen Holloway from Vines in Full Bloom.

It's episode 73 and it's called. Rekindling Romance, a Catholic wife's guide to alcohol free intimacy.

Okay. Now here's something else that women are sometimes like they don't really want to admit because we don't wanna admit that we think these things about our husband. But when you start. Reducing alcohol and your husband keeps drinking, then you may suddenly notice how much he's drinking. Like before you, you're both drinking, you're not really keeping track.

It's just like you're just having whatever. But as soon as you stop drinking, all of a sudden you might find yourself counting. What he's doing, how often he's doing and all of that. You might have thoughts like, oh wow, that's his third beer. Does he always drink that much? And then immediately , you feel bad for thinking that because

what's actually happening is this, your awareness has changed, not necessarily his behavior. So when alcohol comes off your own table, you start seeing it everywhere. But the most peaceful way to move through this process is to keep bringing your attention back to one simple question. What do I want for my life?

Not what is he doing? Not should he be drinking that? Just what do I want tonight? Focus on your,, efforts and, you know, if you think that your husband has a drinking problem or is drinking too much, that's something that can be addressed, but. I want you to know that in the beginning you really just need to focus on your efforts and what you're doing and the positive things that you're noticing and feeling as you remove or reduce how much alcohol you're having.

So let's talk about date nights for a moment, because this is where women often feel the most awkward because if wine has always been a part of celebrating together, it can feel strange to remove it. Actually, I just had one of my lab members talk about she and her husband went out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary, and when they sat down.

The, , waitress brought them over each a glass of Prosecco and she just kind of like, they sat down and she didn't wanna be rude about it or whatever, and so she just kind of left it there. And then when the waitress came back, she said, , something like, oh, I should have asked if you even drink before I.

You know, pour these. , And she said, yeah, I don't, I actually don't drink alcohol. And the waitress was like, great. And she took it. She's like, I have a non-alcoholic one. So she ended up bringing her a non-alcoholic one and apparently they had a really great, , non-alcoholic menu of different options. So she was able to have a few different things.

Enjoyed the evening, had a wonderful. Time celebrating with her husband and didn't feel deprived at all. So what turned into a situation that could have led someone to just give in and drink because it's there and you don't like want it to go to waste or whatever? It actually led to her being able to.

Say no thank you and receive something that she didn't even know was an option. 

So I just wanna put that out there, and as you get more confident in your choices, the easier it will be to ask for those things that you want and just to refuse a drink, , with really no mind drama about it at all.

But you can also make the evening special in other ways. It doesn't just have to be around what you're drinking. You can order an appetizer or maybe get a dessert because you're not drinking your calories. So you could have a dessert or something.

This doesn't make the celebration disappear, it just moves to something else. The other thing that you can do is decide ahead of time because decision fatigue is usually what happens in that moment if you're tired and you're just on autopilot, it can be really easy to give in.

But if you've already decided I'm not drinking tonight, then the negotiating in your mind starts to go quieter. Or if you decide I'm only going to have one glass, period, end of story, then you've planned it out. And once you have that plan, then it makes it a little bit. Easier. And usually for most people, none is better than one.

But you know, sometimes people are like, , I just want to have one. And my intention is to is to only have that one. And so the benefit of groups like mine is that people will sometimes come in, . You know, in our, in our group discussion, and they'll say, just for accountability, this is my plan.

They'll put their plan in there and then they'll let us know how it went. And even if it doesn't go according to plan, that's okay. You get data from. You know, all of your choices and the different experiences, but more often than not, that helps keep people accountable. , 

so if you've already decided I'm not going to drink tonight, then that just helps quiet the wine chatter. 'cause it can take it off the table. And then the last thing. I want you to remember is that two people can share the same evening without the same beverage. So if you and your husband usually split a bottle of wine, and that's kind of a connection thing, it doesn't mean that you're not gonna have a connection because you're not splitting the bottle of wine.

You can still have a beautiful, wonderful evening. I. And that brings me to this. Sometimes couples worry that if alcohol is not in the picture, then they're not gonna have any fun. But that's rarely what actually happens. My husband and I have lots of fun and , I don't drink at all, and he doesn't drink a ton, so we have.

A great time with it now. I know, I know. That's just kind of been our thing, and so I know it's easier for us, but you can learn a new way. You can learn a new normal. And the fact is many women actually discover something surprising when they are fully present and not a little foggy or not focused on the next glass that they're gonna have.

They actually enjoy the evening more. They laugh more. They remember conversations. Oftentimes they'll tell me about a conversation that they had where they were so glad that they were fully present for that conversation. 'cause they know if they had been feeling buzzed or a little fuzzy. It would have been a lot different.

Maybe they wouldn't have remembered things the same way. Maybe they wouldn't have been able to respond in the same way, and that just makes you a better listener. It just makes the conversation deeper, and women often say that they just feel more engaged in the activity, in the event and in the people around them.

And oftentimes husbands noticed that too. I've had women say that, you know, when she stopped drinking on date nights, her husband ended up having just one instead of three, or he decided eventually not to have any when they would go out on date nights. And that wasn't her changing him. That wasn't her.

Saying, I'm not drinking. You can't either. It's just that the dynamic shifted, and that brings me to something that I've seen happen over and over again. Very often, after a while, husbands start drinking less too. Not because anyone forced them, but because the habits inside a household can actually influence each other.

So when one person stops automatically opening a bottle of wine every night, then the rhythm in the house changes. This doesn't happen every time. But it does happen far more often than people anticipate, and sometimes the husband never changes his drinking at all, and the marriage is still perfectly happy and healthy because the woman learned something super important that her choices didn't have to depend on someone else's.

So if you are sitting across from your husband tonight and he orders a drink and you decided that you are not going to, and that little thought pops into your head, well, if he's drinking, I might as well too. I just want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself a different question. Don't ask, what is he doing?

But ask, what do I actually want tonight? How do I actually want to feel in the morning? And sometimes those questions are the beginning of the kind of freedom that has absolutely nothing to do what anyone else at the table is drinking. And you know, this doesn't just go for husbands, it goes for when we're, you're, you're out with your friends or your mom or your sister,

this applies in so many areas, so just stay , focused on your choices, and I promise you you're gonna be so much happier.

And if this is something that you are navigating right now, you're trying to drink less or not at all while your husband still drinks, just know this is a really common place to be and you're not doing anything wrong and your marriage isn't broken. It just means that you're responding to something that you've started to notice in your own life and the most peaceful way through it.

Is actually gonna be the simplest way, and that is stay in your lane, pay attention to what you want, and let the rest unfold over time. Sometimes your husband eventually drinks less. Sometimes nothing changes at all. But either way, you are allowed to make choices that move your life toward more clarity and freedom, and that's a good direction to go.

And if you're looking for support as you explore your relationship with alcohol, you can always learn more about the Sacred Sobriety Lab and the work we do in there. All right, I will see you next time.

 Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well, and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about.

The coaching that I offer, visit my website, the Catholic sobriety coach.com. Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic Sobriety Coach. I look forward to speaking to you next. Time and remember, I am here for you. I am praying for you.