Navigating Grief and Healing Journeys

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast , the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives , women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason . I am your host , christi Walker . I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic , and I am the Catholic Sobriety Coach and I am so glad you're here . Welcome . Today we have Nicole Haugen back on the podcast . She joined us way back in episode 35 when we talked about navigating challenges as a healthcare worker , because Nicole herself is a former nurse . Well , I guess you're always once a nurse , always a nurse , right . Today I wanted to have her back on the program to talk about grief .

Speaker 1 0:58

Grief is something that we all have to experience in this life . We all go through it . There's lots of types of grief and for a lot of people , grief can lead to unhealthy attachments because we're just trying to make ourselves feel better with whatever we can find . So I have Nicole here . She's going to provide some tips and information and resources for you and it should be an enlightening conversation . I'm so excited for it . So thank you for being here , nicole . Yeah , thank you . So I'm sure not only as a nurse , you've seen . Grief lived out in some of your patients and families , but I know that you have your own story of grief as well , so why don't you go ahead and just tell us a little bit ?

Speaker 2 1:55

about that my dad was dying . He had been diagnosed in 2020 . So he actually it was 2009 . So he lived with it for 10 years as cancer . It was prostate cancer . When they first found it , it had already metastasized to his bones and so , as a nurse , I jumped to the worst possible conclusion . I thought , okay , we'll have like maybe a year or two , but we were very blessed he was able to be with us for 10 more years . Now at this time it was around Easter time and my dad was not Catholic , but he got the sacraments and he came into the church that Wednesday before Easter and then my husband actually joined the church that Easter vigil , like just like two days later . So like that was a super like high point amongst all this . But yeah , I was pregnant with my sixth child and we had got my dad on hospice . So we knew the end was near and he passed away at the end of July 2019 .

Speaker 2 2:59

And then in December , early December , my mom was coming home . It was storming out and the way her driveway was set up the water was equal to her driveway road and so , with the wind blustering and already the snow on the water and the road , you couldn't really see where the road was . And so she turned what she thought was onto her driveway and she had missed the turn and her car went into the water . We didn't realize it till like the next day when my brother went up to the farmstead there and realized she was not there . He tried calling us , you know , like we hadn't seen her . She didn't show up for her appointment that morning and so he called the authorities and it wasn't till later that day then , when the wind kind of shifted , that we could very clearly see hair tracks going on to the water .

Speaker 2 3:52

So then the authorities came out and they searched for her vehicle and it took about a day or so to find her car and then , after they phoned her car and they got it out , then they realized her body wasn't in the vehicle . So then it was to search back in the water to find her body , and so that took a couple of days . And so all that was obviously very traumatic and very overwhelming , and I had an infant at the time and it was just so shocking . It was just basically moment to moment at that point in time and just it was just so shocking , like it was just basically moment to moment , at that point in time , and then we had , you know , the funeral and all the things , and then Christmas , and then , a couple of weeks after that , I found out that my husband had hidden thousands of dollars in credit card debt from me , and so that all kind of came out . And so not only was I grieving my parents , I was grieving the loss of my marriage that I thought I had .

Speaker 1 4:52

Yeah , that's a lot . That's a lot for one person to take like all at one time , and I'm sure that that was really difficult to get through . So what did your journey look like after that ? Can you walk us through that a little bit and how you were able to cope with your grief ?

Speaker 2 5:13

Yeah . So in the very beginning , mostly what I focused my energy on was saving my marriage , because I'm like , okay , I know my parents are gone . It was basically just trying to survive , a mode to figure out okay , if we're going to stay married , how do we figure this out ? How do we move past this ? And and a lot of it was just I mean , looking back now , it was grief on top of grief , and so I was just barely getting by and that was really when I , and then , and then too , covid hit . So like everything was shut down . My kids were all home , you know , the school shut down , and so it was just .

Speaker 2 5:52

Everything was in upheaval in my life and it came out a lot in anger , anger towards my husband , anger at at the world situations that were happening , that understanding , and so that was when I kind of stumbled across life coaching .

Speaker 2 6:09

And when I first found out about it , I really joined a program because I wanted to lose weight , because I just felt miserable day in and day out .

Speaker 2 6:20

I didn't like how I fit my clothes , I didn't like anything basically about my life .

Speaker 2 6:25

At that point in time I was even resentful that we had all these children , because I basically am stuck with this man forever who has betrayed me , and just like all the things , and so I didn't like anything about anything . And so I was like , okay , like I'm going to join because I want to feel comfortable in my own skin . And so very quickly I lost 40 pounds and with that , yeah . So with that I was just like , oh , like I have a lot of feelings and emotions that I have not dealt with from all of this . I think I've been using other things to cope , and so it was really just like learning that whole process and figuring out how to move forward , how to do it healthy , how to communicate in ways that really show what I need in the moment , but not totally taking over also what my husband's needs were , what my children's needs were , but like just being very clear with myself learning to love myself , so then I can communicate with others what I need when I need it .

Speaker 1 7:38

Yeah , and I think there's a couple of things in your story that I want to I want you to talk a little bit more about . The first is that you mentioned different types of grief , right . So many times when we think of grief or when we hear the word grief , we think , oh , somebody died or you've lost a loved one , or , but you know , it can be so many other things . So can you talk a little bit about the different types of grief and maybe how they're similar and different at the same time ?

Speaker 2 8:07

Yeah , I think so . There's there's yeah , there's many different types of grief there are . There's the grief of , like , if you have infertility and you can't get pregnant . There's grief in that . There's grief in if your child has been born with , maybe , a diagnosis that you were not expecting . There's grief of job-related things where , like , maybe you had a job that you really thought this is going to be my forever job and it didn't work out . And then there's grief in marriages , right , like you come in with expectations of things and they don't happen , and so's just .

Navigating Anticipatory and Active Grief

Speaker 2 8:43

Anytime we have something that we come in with like expectations , it's almost like there is a death there .

Speaker 2 8:50

It's like there's a death of what we thought versus what the reality is and a lot of times with .

Speaker 2 8:58

And then there's also like anticipatory grief , right , like if your loved one is going through , if they are currently or actively dying , if you are a caregiver and they have received a diagnosis , and whether it's months or years that they're with this diagnosis , there is a anticipatory grief there as well . And then you have , of course , when somebody actually dies and there's that grief there dies and there's that grief there , and they're all very similar in the way that you kind of go through all the stages . I think that with the death of a loved one , or even with like anticipatory grief , like it really it's more prominent in your life . It's maybe glaringly like always there , always kind of in the background , whereas with a job , grief is like you can kind of distract yourself more from it and kind of do other things throughout the day that you're like oh yeah , I didn't think about that , whereas when somebody dies especially , you're like is there ever going to be a time that I don't think about them all day long ?

Speaker 1 10:12

Yeah , and I think of that too . Like I have my older boys , my twins are going to be graduating this year , so like there's a little bit of anticipatory grief that I have , knowing that they are not going to be in my house for very much longer , but yet they're still going to be around and they're still going to be . So it's not just like the end of something . But I think that kind of grief has some joy into it because I get to see them like go , and you know it's kind of sad that this , this season is ending but then this season is beginning . So that can be like that for jobs or or other types . But yeah , if you're anticipating that your loved one , like with your dad , one day he has this diagnosis and he's declining , it's inevitable that the end will be soon and so and you're caring for him at the same time , like you were saying , and then if somebody just passes away , sometimes that can be , you know it's coming , or it's very sudden .

Speaker 1 11:06

Like your mom , I mean Nicole , you've experienced all types of grief , so I can't think of anybody better to be doing the work that you're doing , because I feel like you can understand your clients on so many different levels and I'm sure , like going through that time , you're like why God Like like going through that time , you're like why God , like what is going on .

Speaker 1 11:29

But now you know , god takes beauty from ashes and he's using you to help others and I think that that is just beautiful . So something else you talked about is that you were using food , I guess , and maybe other things , to cope with your grief , and that is so normal , right ? We just want to numb out , we want to check out , and I have clients , many clients , that are experiencing different types of grief , whether it's the loss of a loved one , the loss you know , they're empty nesters , they're retiring so they don't have their everyday job , and they're like , what am I going to do ? Can you speak to that a little bit Like it's so normal , but how do people recognize that and move forward and out of that ? Yeah , so it is .

Speaker 2 12:19

It's very normal to cope with anything , and it's just normal in our everyday lives now too , where we have a hard day at work and we're like , okay , well , we sit down to have some pizza and maybe a drink , and then all of a sudden it's like , oh my gosh , I ate like half the pizza and four glasses of wine because I deserve this and I had a hard day , like I'm struggling . And so I think that there's so many things in the world that are trying to offer us comfort and release and it's bombarding . And that can be being on your cell phone too much . It can be just checking out and watching Netflix , when you're like I know I should go to bed , but if I go to bed and I lay down , I'm going to think about my loved one and I'm going to replay the final days and what could I have done differently ? And all these things run through my head . So I'm just going to stay up because I don't want to have to deal with that , and so that is very normal .

Speaker 2 13:15

And I think , first and foremost , to recognize that it's becoming a problem , and maybe if somebody looked at your life , they're like that's not really a problem . And maybe if somebody looked at your life , they're like that's not really a problem , like look at all the things you're going through . But it is a problem when you're like I think it's a problem . It's keeping me from being the best mom I can be , it's keeping me from the best wife I can be , it's keeping me from carrying out God's call for me , and so now it's a problem and I want to do something about it .

Speaker 1 13:43

Yeah , so what are your suggestions ? Or how do you coach people through that when they're like I just want all the comfort , whatever that comfort is , and but they're realizing like it's causing chaos , it is making it so that I'm not the best wife , mom , or maybe it's keeping them from God because they could be mad at God and that could be a way of having a wall up against them . So not against , but between them and God . So how do you help them find healthier ways to cope ? And it can't just be a rip the bandaid off right , it kind of has to be slow restriction . But how do you help walk them through that ?

Speaker 2 14:30

Yeah , so I like to tell

Taking Small Steps Towards Healing

Speaker 2 14:32

. So , if my clients have faith , I like to like just tell them just to talk to God , vent it out . Like my priest told me one time , you can like yell and scream at God Like he's a big boy , he can handle it . He already knows that you're having those feelings and we try to hide it , we try to turn it away and we don't want him to see it , and then it just makes things worse . And so bring it to the light , bring it to him and just have that conversation . And for me , I waited till like my husband and kids were gone so I could cry and yell and just like . I mean it was like maybe 10 minutes , but it just felt so good to be like okay , now I don't have to hide this anymore , Like it's out there .

Speaker 2 15:14

And then the next thing , too , is like to start recognizing when you're reaching for the drink or the food or your phone . Ask yourself why You're reaching for the drink or the food or your phone . Ask yourself why , why am I reaching for this right now ? Maybe it's because , oh my gosh , I just , I am so sad and I don't even know how to handle this . Right now . I'm just , I'm devastated that I can't hear my mom's voice anymore . I'm devastated . I'm never going to feel my dad hug me again Like I'm devastated . I'm never going to feel my dad hug me again Like I'm devastated .

Speaker 2 15:48

And so when you give the feeling a name , it really helps you get control over that feeling and just be like , oh , like I'm not crazy , it's not just something that's inside , it's like it really is there . And so name the feeling , describe it , pinpoint where it's at in your body and just sit with it . And then that feeling goes away . And you might still reach for the drink , but it's just to start practicing allowing that and being like I can just allow that instead . And then I do think , also baby steps , like I said , just okay , maybe , like I realized , like I am drinking five glasses of wine a night . Maybe I'm going to go down to four and a half or even four . Maybe I'm just going to like be aware of it and every glass makes me like just start asking myself . Maybe it's just one and you're like I'm really using this to cope and I am afraid it's going to be more , and so maybe I'm just going to try one night a week without having it and see what happens .

Speaker 1 17:54

Yeah , that's such good advice because a lot of times people don't start because they're not sure where to start , and it's just like just start and do it , because as long as you just sit there and wait for it either to get better on its own or wait until it's bad enough , whatever that means to you , like what is bad enough gonna be if you can just start taking those little steps in between , you know , as you're working toward it , it just helps so much and it provides clarity , right ? Because , like you were saying , what am I using this for ? Just taking that time to just stop and think about it before reaching for it . And I find when my clients do that , a lot of times that feeling , that urge will pass because they've taken the time to either journal about it , pray about it or even just take some deep breaths and think about why do I really want this ? Do I want it because it's going to be enjoyable and I just want it and I have no drama about wanting it ? Or am I using it to cope with something ? Am I using it to numb ? Am I using it , you know , for whatever it is ? And that's when it can get out of control , is when we keep reaching for it , we don't look at it .

Speaker 1 19:16

I see a correlation between grief and misusing substances and that is we don't necessarily want to look at it right . So we know that it's causing weird feelings , maybe shame , maybe chaos . We're recognizing , like you said , nicole , it may on the outside , everything may be fine and you hold it all together , but inside you're just dying inside or very conflicted inside , and I think just recognizing that and calling that out for what it is sheds light on it . And the same is true for grief . Like what you said , you're stuffing it . You're stuffing all these certain like exercises that you have for grievers . Is there a certain way people should eat ? Like what sort of recommendations ? When someone comes to you , what are first steps would you say ?

Speaker 2 20:21

Yeah , I think first step is just to keep it simple , because we want to dive into things and we want to give it our all , and then we start with so many expectations on ourselves and it's unrealistic that we can't keep up with it . And so I just say start by trying to find little ways to care for yourself throughout the day . And so that starts with , first and foremost , like making sure that you do , you are getting food , and food that provides nutrients for you , get water and get some exercise . Even if it's like a five minute walk , I'm like , even if you can . Just you get home from work , you get out of your car , you walk around your house five times . It's just just that movement . Just starting there can just clear your head and help you . And then from there then start , once you kind of get those just very basic and sleep , I should add , sleep too Try to get sleep , and that's where a lot of times in grief , sleep is hard to come by . But by recognizing those feelings and allowing the feelings , it does become easier . And so start with those staple things and then kind of work in little ways of little things that you love , that show . Hey , I appreciate you today . I appreciate myself showing up today and I'm always like , just very simple , simple Like .

Speaker 2 21:43

For me it's making sure my coffee pot is set up the night before . So in the morning I just stumble out of bed , I push a button , I fill my water bottle the night before with ice so it stays cold . So I have it ready to go in the morning because I know , getting the kids out the door and starting my day , if it's up to me , I probably won't have any water till about noon then , but if it's ready to go , I start almost right away by drinking water . And even if you like to read or take a bath , a lot of times those things can feel overwhelming .

Speaker 2 22:15

But just say I'm going to start and I'm going to do three minutes , I'm going to do three minutes , I'm going to pick up my Bible and I'm just going to three minutes . Or I'm going to do three minutes , I'm going to pick up my Bible and I'm just going to three minutes . Or I'm going to run the bath water and I'm just going to sit in it for three minutes and that's it Like . And then you can decide to do longer , but just starting small and be like okay , usually I've been going to bed at 11 , 1130 . Like I'm going to try for 1115 tonight . I'm going to shut off the TV no matter what , and I'm at least going to lay down .

Speaker 1 22:45

So just little baby steps .

Speaker 1 22:46

I love that because I'm this type of person . I know there are other people out there . If I'm going to do something , I want to do all the things at one time and especially when you're grieving , you just want things to kind of get back to normal . But it doesn't happen all at once , because you're learning to live completely differently , right , because you're learning to live without this person or whatever it is that you're grieving , and I love how easy that you made those . You know it sounds so simple , but when we're grieving we can forget about it and it's so much easier . Our brains tell us it sounds so simple , but when we're grieving we can forget about it and it's so much easier . Our brains tell us it's so much easier just to eat that cupcake and get like that instant gratification or drink that wine and and numb out . It just seems easier . But if you like what you said , set a timer and say , for three minutes , I'm going to do this . Or I love what you said Get out of your car and walk minutes , I'm going to do this . Or I love what you said get out of your car and walk around your car . I mean , like how that's not hard .

Speaker 1 23:49

The hardest part is getting started . But when you start to do that and then you just kind of stretch it out more and more each day , it makes it more of a habit and a lot easier to do . But you know , a lot of times we shut down because either we wanted to do all the things and we're not doing all the things and we figured out I can't do all the things , but then we don't even want to do the little things . So what you're saying is just start super small and then just build on it . And as long as you're taking care of your immediate needs of nourishing your body , staying hydrated , getting sleep , you know , taking that time just to relax and wind down , that's a great foundation and I agree with that full heartedly . So what ? So ? Who do you work with ? Like , what type of clients do you have , or do you have a certain like ? For me , I work mainly with Catholic women . So who do you work with ?

Speaker 2 25:05

like people that I work with , the people that are in those phases where , like , their loved one is dying or they're like having that anticipatory grief . And then people who have experienced a loved one has died and you know , I don't like to use the words recently , because everybody's grief journey is different and sometimes it's it could be they died six months ago , sometimes it'd be like they died three years ago and I'm still struggling with this . So you know just somebody close to you who has died and you're just struggling with that and then , where can people find you ?

Speaker 1 25:35

do you have like resources for people ? Do you have a website ? Do have podcasts Like where can they find you and find out more about what you offer ? Yeah , so .

Speaker 2 25:46

I have a website and it is nursegriefcoachingcom , and I have a free handout on that , on how to handle when you are unexpectedly triggered by grief , and so that's a great resource . And then I have a course that I encourage people . It's a very simple basic course . The videos are five to 10 minutes long and it covers the issues that come up when somebody is dying and then when somebody died , and so that course just kind of walks you through those things , and then I offer a free consult to those who want to just have somebody have a listening ear and say , hey , like , is this normal ? Like what am I going through ? Because it doesn't feel normal . And then I'm on Instagram and TikTok also , and then , oh , I do have a podcast and that is the Grieving Nurse .

Speaker 1 26:40

Very good . Oh , I'll have to check that out . And then your , what's your handle on TikTok and Instagram ? Nurse grief coaching okay , great , and is there anything else that you want people to know about grief or how to cope with grief , before we close ?

Speaker 2 27:01

yeah , I think , just to have compassion for yourself , because the world will tell us like you should be over this oh my gosh , I don't want to hear about this . Or people try to be helpful and they really aren't . They say things that are completely unhelpful and can be upsetting , quite honestly . And so I just say have compassion for yourself , because grief is hard , it sucks , and it's just something that unfortunately I mean fortunately , and unfortunately not everybody has had to deal with . And so also have compassion for those who haven't had to deal with it and they don't know what to say and like they're just trying to reach out but it's awkward and not helpful . And so just to try to have compassion . And then too , I think , like you said , with your sons leaving for college soon and you know going to be leaving the house , and you're like there's some of that grief there , but there's joy built in , and I just like that's what I help you with is to start building in joy around the grief , because it does happen . It just takes time .

Speaker 1 28:10

I think that's great because sometimes , I mean , as coaches , we can help people , like pull out things that maybe they don't notice because they just feel so overwhelmed and consumed by their grief and their sadness and worry . So , nicole , I love what you're doing and I just am so glad that you are out there helping people with grief . I feel like it's so needed because , like you were saying , people don't always know what to say , like the rest of us , and we maybe stumble over our words and don't really know how to say . Like the rest of us , and we maybe stumble over our words and don't really know how to help . But support is so beneficial and that's what you are kind of not kind of . You are doing that for people and I just think that's such an enormous blessing . So , thank you so much for sharing with us today . Yeah , you're welcome . Thank you for having me . So much for sharing with us today . Yeah , you're welcome . Thank you for having me .

Speaker 1 29:10

Well , that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast . I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well , and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing . I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom . Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic sobriety coach . I look forward to speaking to you next time and remember I am here for you . I am praying for you .