Exploring Alcohol's Role in Identity

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast , the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives , women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason . I am your host , christi Walker . I'm a wife , mom and a joy-filled Catholic and I am the Catholic Sobriety Coach and I am so glad you're here . So I'm often asked what keeps people drinking ? Let's say they're drinking and misusing alcohol and they're starting to realize that it's becoming a problem for them . Like maybe the amount of frequency has increased , maybe they're thinking about it a lot and they're finding out that during the day they're planning for when they can drink and what they can have and maybe where they can go out or who they can go out with so that they can drink . If you think about that , it's just it seems very time consuming , like it's a very time consuming thing that takes up a lot of brain space . Now , obviously there's the chemical aspect of alcohol , right , what it does for you , whether you're looking for that relaxation , which is what most people are looking for when they drink alcohol . Relaxation , which is what most people are looking for when they drink alcohol . They're looking just to kind of check out , to have that buzz and to feel relaxed , to be comfortable . But aside from all the physical ways , alcohol impacts our bodies and has us craving it and going back for more , there are also those well-worn habit paths that we've just done over and over and over and that makes it really hard to change . Now , one of the key things that keeps people drinking , though , specifically among women I'm sure it's true among men as well , but for women it's the fear of the loss of their community or friendships , or connection with their husband if they and their husband drink together , for you know connection . And they're also afraid of what other people are going to think about them if they stop drinking or if they greatly reduce it . The fear that maybe , just maybe , the friendships that they have aren't quite what they think Like , maybe they really are just centered around alcohol . And if you remove alcohol from the equation , what are those going to look like ? Move alcohol from the equation , what are those going to look like ? Or what are events and parties and outings and vacations going to look like without alcohol ? There's just a lot of fear there . It's a lot of fear .

Speaker 1 2:56

And here's the other thing With community , with that fear of loss of our community goes the fear of loss of their identity . Now they may have their identity , you know , as wife , mother , maybe single person , maybe career person . You know we have all these little different aspects , but at the core our identity is who we belong to right so that could be our family , our friends , but ultimately that has to be with God , and our alcohol use can be very tied to our identity . Maybe you're the one that has fun parties . Maybe you're the one that brings interesting wines . Maybe you're the one that hosts book club and always has fun cocktails for everyone . Maybe you're the one that always sneaks a little bit of alcohol into your cup when you're at sporting events and your friends know that you're always going to have enough to share with them as well . I don't know what that looks like for you , but a lot of times our identity can just get so intertwined with our alcohol use and I want you to recognize that that is so normal . It's so normal , especially if we began drinking to be part of a community , and that's where I was when I started high school .

Speaker 1 4:33

I was so excited , but I gotta tell you it sucked . It was terrible . It started off terrible because I tried to hang out with my best friend and when I met her at her locker that first day I was taken aback . I didn't really recognize her because she had cut her hair and this was in the late 80s and early 90s . I don't know if you remember that hairstyle where it was like long on one side and short on the other hairstyle , where it was like long on one side and short on the other . That's what her hair looked like . Now I was a little taken aback because I didn't know she was going to cut her hair like that . She didn't tell me and I had never seen anyone with a haircut like that . So I was a little like oh , wow , and you know I probably did give her the reaction that she wanted , but I wasn't like making fun of her or anything . But I wasn't like , oh my gosh , you're so cool , I want to get my haircut like that .

Speaker 1 5:34

But she had actually planned from the beginning , before she went into school that day , that we were not going to be friends anymore , that she didn't want me tagging around . I kind of felt like that little sister , that somebody is like yeah , we're at school , don't talk to me , don't be around me . You know that type of thing . Because she told me she's like we are not hanging out anymore . She said she wanted to meet new people , she wanted to basically reinvent herself . Now this hurt a lot , because we had been inseparable for about two years . We had been best friends in and out of each other's homes . It just crushed me . It crushed me and I was just left like , oh great , what am I going to do now ? Who am I going to hang out with ? Because , honestly , I was an introvert , so it's not easy for me to just go up to people and make friends with them .

Speaker 1 6:32

My saving grace was dance team . I mean , I did that halfway through the year and you know , when I dance I just feel like the whole world melts away and I have so much joy , even if I'm not like the best dancer . I love it so much . And I was part of a team and we were working together and I had that community . But I only had that community for dance team , like when we were there at practices and competitions or games . When it came to lunchtime I didn't really know who to hang out with sometimes . I just always felt like I was on the periphery of everything . I just never was in . So it's kind of like you just picture all these people standing shoulder to shoulder in this circle and I'm just kind of like on the outside , like trying to poke in . Is there an opening ? Is there an opening ? Nope , no opening .

Speaker 1 7:27

But being part of dance team meant my sophomore year that I got invited to a party by one of our team captains and I was so excited to go . Now she invited a whole dance team and it was a sleepover and I went . It was at her house . I kind of have a foggy memory about it , but I feel like there was another house , like we weren't in the main house , we were in more of a guest house and there were so many people there . I just remember there being so many people , not just dance team people like these upperclassmen and boys . I didn't know boys were going to be there and then there was so much alcohol . I had no idea there was going to be alcohol there . My mom didn't either , otherwise she wouldn't have left me there , but her parents had stocked this place up with alcohol for us , had stocked this place up with alcohol for us . Now , that was the first time I began drinking . So , as you can see .

Speaker 1 8:31

My journey with alcohol actually began with an invitation . I was introduced to alcohol . Alcohol , for me , became this magic elixir . It allowed me entrance into parties , invitations into places . I had friends , I had things to do . Boys are starting to notice me and , like me , it was wonderful . It seemed to open doors to all of these things that I had wanted , that I had been writing about in my journal , that I had been praying for . I just wanted to be known , I wanted to be seen , I wanted to be invited and what I was really craving was an identity . I wanted a community and I wanted an identity . Now maybe you can relate to my story , but maybe this didn't happen in high school for you . Maybe it was college .

Speaker 1 9:29

You know you're away from home , you don't know anybody . You get invited to something it's a party and you begin drinking just to be part of that group , that crowd , that vibe , and then you just find yourself kind of trapped and having a really hard time detaching . Or maybe you always felt kind of on the outside of the mom group . Maybe it's like I explained before people standing shoulder to shoulder , nobody turning back to look at you when you're on the outside , until one day someone does . Someone looks at you and invites you . Maybe it's a mom's night out , maybe it's a winery tour but then you find that this group , like everything they do , it just seems to revolve around alcohol . There's lots of jokes being made , memes being passed , and pretty soon you find that you are just drinking more than you would like to . You are consuming at a rate that is starting to cause chaos and may even feel quite alarming . Now I want you to just be gentle with yourself and realize that is so normal .

Speaker 1 10:48

We all , as humans , desire to be part of a community , to be in community , but part of this , part of this , comes from the enemy of your soul , like speaking into your wounds , speaking into that hurt , that isolated feeling . Maybe hurts that happened when you were younger or , you know , maybe hurts that happened just yesterday . Right , because that's where he attacks us . So , as far as identity goes , when the enemy attacks our identity , he tells us three things . He tells us that we need to do something so that we can have something , so that we can be someone . We see this all the way back in Genesis . We see this all the way back in Genesis . He's been doing this since the beginning of time , he told Eve that she needed to do something . She needed to eat that apple or fruit or whatever was on that tree . She needed to eat that fruit so that she could have something . What would she have if she did that ? She would have knowledge . And then what would happen next ? Who would she be ? She would be like God .

Speaker 1 13:33

The enemy tells us . We have to do something to have something , to be someone . Here's the lie . Here's the big fat lie . You are already someone . You are a beloved child of God . It's all throughout the Bible . God's promises , his love , his care . God tells us that you are his child , that you , you have an inheritance , you have graces , you have gifts and you have talents . What that does is that equips you to do what God has called you to do , because he has created you for a purpose that is going to give you ultimate fulfillment that is going to make you truly happy . The enemy says you have to do something to have something , to be someone , and that is our culture do , do , do , hustle right , hustle , hustle , hustle , productivity . But god's like no , you don't have to do that to have an identity . You already have an identity . You are mine . It tells us in isaiah 43 1 . You are mine . I have redeemed you , I have called you by name . I have created . You are mine . That's your identity . See , over-drinking alcohol .

Speaker 1 15:35

These worldly comforts , these comforts that the world offers us , those are distractions . Those are meant to keep us from God . They are meant to keep us lukewarm . They're meant to keep us just in the same spot , not growing in faith and virtue . Not doing , not being , not living . Here's the thing . God wants you free . He doesn't want you living in chaos , he doesn't want you to have to feel this way . And that is why , you know , we talk about , we're told about , temperance . That's why we have our spiritual gifts , so that when we use those spiritual gifts , those seven gifts of the Holy Spirit , they produce fruits like joy and peace . Don't you want more of that ? I do , more of that , I do . But when we get into things like negativity and comparison and , you know , just negative self-talk , it's going to produce fruits like , or anti-fruits , rotten fruits like anxiety and depression and addiction , disordered attachments . I know that's not how you want to live . I know you want a community and I know you're wondering how the heck do I do that Like ? How do I get past this fear . Yeah , I recognize it . I recognize it in myself , but what do I do about it ?

Speaker 1 17:47

It's about changing FOMO , the fear of missing out , into JOMO , the joy of missing out . I know it sounds easier said than done . It doesn't happen overnight . It's like going to the gym and you know , getting in shape . It's not going to happen the first day , the first week . You know it takes time . You have to build those muscles , you have to build your endurance , you have to build your stamina , and the same is true when you are making a change , whatever your level of sobriety that you want to attain and that can be some , it can be none , but it's got to be reducing where you are so that you can cut the chaos up that muscle . You have to change the habit and a renewal of the mind happens when we pray , when we nurture our relationship with Jesus , when we talk to him like a friend , when we ask him and invite him into our day , when we ask you know , even in the chaos , jesus , where are you in this moment ? I need to feel your presence . I need to see you Feel your presence . I need to see you , just that continual building of relationship and knowing that you are a child of God . That is your identity .

Speaker 1 19:40

Now , for some people it can be hard . It can be really hard to figure out how to hear God's voice , and I will actually be doing a podcast episode all on hearing God's voice . But today I'll quickly give you four ways that God is speaking to you . He's speaking to you right now . He can speak to you through all kinds of things , through people , through things you see on social media . He can speak to you through all kinds of things through people , through things you see on social media . He can speak to you through what you're reading , music you're listening to and all of those things . Sometimes , when you hear God's voice , you'll see images or scenes in your imagination . If you see something and you're like , why am I seeing this Lord ? And just wait and see what he has to say about it .

Speaker 1 20:34

Another way that we can hear God's voice is through hearing . You can hear it in your mind .

Listening to God and Living Faithfully

Speaker 1 20:42

You can again hear it in something that somebody says . It's not common to hear it audibly , although I do know some people who have gotten audible voices or words from God and then for some of us it can be a feeling , like a sense on our heart , like we can sense the Spirit guiding us , us , nudging us , telling us something , moving us forward . And then there's just this knowing , this information that comes from your thoughts , it comes from within , and what that is that's I've heard some people say that's your inner knowing , it's the Holy Spirit . Folks , it's the Holy Spirit . So just pay attention and ask questions and be open and receptive to it .

Speaker 1 21:37

One of the things with you know , drinking or keeping ourselves distracted with anything is that it makes it a lot harder to hear God's voice . Now he can break through anything , but it just makes it so much harder . So that's why it's so good just to kind of have those conversations throughout the day . When you're on a walk , when you're at the playground with your children , when you are , you know , driving or you know whatever it is . Just be open to what maybe you will see . Sometimes it won't just be seeing something in your imagination . Sometimes you'll see something like maybe there's something that just kind of pulls at your heartstrings that you see's God talking to you , that's him saying pay attention . I need you to see this , I need you to notice this , and when we begin noticing what God wants us to notice it can really change everything . It transforms our relationship with him and it transforms us , makes it easier to kind of empty ourselves and detach from those things and detox from all of those things and voices and everything that is distracting us and keeping us from him . And , lastly , one of the ways that you can just kind of let go of FOMO , that fear of missing out , and step into JOMO , joy of missing out , is to remember that you are a temple . You are a temple of the Holy Spirit . A temple is a dwelling place of God . He's in you and St Paul tells us that we , because we are temples of the Holy Spirit , we are to glorify God in our bodies . We are to glorify God in our bodies .

Speaker 1 23:40

You know I was doing some work with my spiritual director . I'm so excited I finally have a spiritual director . It's been really a long journey to get one and she and I were talking and I was talking to her about some of the distractions that keep me from doing what I know God is like asking me to do , but I feel sometimes like I'm trudging through mud and I had this vision of Jesus helping me out of the mud and it was longer than what I'm going to explain now . But one of the things I did was I asked Jesus , like what is in that mud ? And we went back over to it and I could just see all my distractions , like , if you think of like just muddy , gross water , just kind of bubbling , and I could see the things that were distracting me . And as she and I were talking , we were talking about , you know , like having a place for the Lord , like in us .

Speaker 1 24:42

So now I just kind of have this visual which is helpful for me , which is helpful for me , and it's just this white circle , just like the center of a monstrance that's housing the blessed sacrament , you know , during adoration , during Eucharistic adoration , because that's God . So I am a tabernacle , I'm a living tabernacle , a temple of the Holy Spirit , and so when I was talking to her I was thinking the round white Eucharist , that's God inside of me . It's like so white , there's nothing in it , there's no distraction or anything , and it's kind of like I've been doing Bible in the year and I started super late so I'm in the part of numbers when they were talking about the holy of holies and who could be close and who could enter and all of that kind of stuff . So I just realized in speaking with my spiritual director that I just need to keep that spot , that space inside of me , that sacred space where Jesus is inside of me . I need to keep that clear of distraction . And when I start to feel distracted , when I start to feel unsettled , now I go to that place . Now I go to that place and there's nothing , there's not all that distraction , I can just be with the Lord . So beautiful . So I don't know how you can do that for you , but I will say that knowing that I have that inside of me , that I'm set apart , you are set apart . So knowing this kind of makes it easier to detach from those things and actually see them for what they are , which is distractions and things meant to keep us from God .

Speaker 1 26:54

Now , when I was listening to Bible in the Year this morning , something that Father Mike said in his reflection really stuck with me . I actually wrote it down because it was something I wanted to tell my sons and my husband , but I want to share it with you too . I feel like the Holy Spirit is asking me to share it with you . So I'm going to Now . When Father Mike was talking about it . He was talking about the Israelites , but I could see how it could also be applied to us as modern day Christians . And it said through us as Christians and our faithfulness and the relationship that we have with the Lord , the world will be blessed . But before that , before the world can be blessed , we have to live in the world .

Speaker 1 27:45

And if we don't hold on to our faith , if we try to assimilate into the culture , if we take on the idols that are surrounding us , the comforts that are offered us to keep us distracted , and if we don't hold on to our faith on purpose , if we don't know and understand God's great love for us and that we are set apart out of love and for a purpose , and if we never forget that we have to hold on to it and never forget that , if we don't do that , then it is very easy to let go of our faith . It's very easy to get swept up by the culture faith . It's very easy to get swept up by the culture . It's very easy to buy in to the rhetoric and the words that go against God's own word and believe things that the world offers us that God says no , that's not okay , but it's so easy to let go of that .

Speaker 1 28:52

And if we let go of our faith and our uniqueness , if we have that fear of missing out and we want to conform , just to be part of something , then the world will not be as blessed as it could be . That's where the joy comes from . The joy comes from knowing we are set apart , knowing we are not supposed to look like everyone else , knowing that we are different . That doesn't make better , that doesn't make us super special . You know we're sinners , just like everyone . We are hurting , we are wounded . God loves us and if we can hold on to that , if we can remember that , then we will bless the world . We will bless others because we will be doing what God created us to be and do for the unique mission that he created you for Only you can do . Every single person that is conceived has this purpose . They have this opportunity to bless the world and glorify God .

Speaker 1 30:15

And again , it's not because we're perfect , because we are not . It's because God loves us . He has chosen us as Christians through virtue of our baptism . We have been chosen . We have been given supernatural gifts . You don't go into the world ill-equipped folks . You have supernatural gifts and when you use them . God pours even more graces into you when you use them . The fruits present and they bless you and others .

Speaker 1 30:57

So I want to leave you with this Endeavor to be who God created you to be , not who the world tells you you need to be . Not who the enemy tells you you need to be . You do not have to do anything to have anything to be someone . You're already someone . You don't have to do anything . Take joy in that . Know that you are not supposed to look like everyone else and do what everyone else does , and just be okay with that , knowing that God is smiling down on you , that he loves you and he's walking with you every step of the way .

Speaker 1 31:50

All right , this podcast didn't really go exactly like I thought it was going to , but I feel like it's what God wanted

God's Love and Support

Speaker 1 31:57

said . So just remember God loves you , I love you . Thanks for being here . God bless you . Well , that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast . I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well . And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing . I am the Catholic Sobriety Coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom . Follow me on Instagram at the Catholic Sobriety Coach . I look forward to speaking to you next time and remember I am here for you . I am praying for you . You are not alone .