Catholic Sobriety

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety podcast , the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives , women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason . I am your host , christy Walker . I'm a wife , mom and a Joyfield Catholic , and I am the Catholic Sobriety coach , and I am so glad you're here . Hello everyone , today's episode is a bonus episode , and what makes this a bonus episode is it is an interview that my friend , steve O'Connor from Catholics Fight Porn did with me many , many months ago . In this episode , he interviewed me about my addiction to alcohol , my experiences with treatment and AA meetings , my recovery and a bit of my reversion back to the Catholic faith . Now , if you're saying , christy , I already heard your recovery journey on one of your episodes , you are correct .

Speaker 1 1:06

My very first episode is a version of my recovery story , but Steve , being the great listener that he is , which makes him a wonderful coach he was able to pull out some different details and other things that much of it I had actually forgotten about or hadn't thought about in years and years . So I'm sharing this in the hopes that someone else out there who is listening will hear it and maybe resonate with parts of my stories , my story or how I was feeling , and just know that there is hope for you . So this is what we call in AA as sharing our experience , strength and hope with others . Steve actually coaches newly married men who are addicted to porn , and he is excellent . So if you know of anyone who could benefit from his coaching , I highly recommend and encourage you to reach out and contact Steve and maybe share his podcast with them . So I hope that , without further ado , you enjoy this episode and a big thank you again to Steve O'Connor .

Speaker 2 2:22

All right welcome again , steve O'Connor , here with Catholic's Fight Porn , and in our next episode I'm very excited to interview Kristi Walker , who is the Catholic Recovery Coach , and she focuses on eliminating alcohol . So whether you want to stop drinking or cut down on your drinking , kristi is the expert for that . So very happy to have you on the show , kristi . Welcome .

Speaker 1 2:53

Thank you so much . I'm so excited to be here . I'm looking forward to our conversation .

Speaker 2 2:58

Okay , well , so am I , and you know I focus on sex addiction . You focus on alcohol addiction or decreasing consumption of alcohol , but there is a lot of carryover with addiction in general , with recovery in general . So I thought it would be great to have you on to share a little bit about what you do and how you help others . And I think there's always great power in hearing someone's story , just sort of what it used to be like , and then you know how it got out of control and then how you found recovery and what you're doing to help others . So if you wouldn't mind share with our listeners a little bit about yourself and your story .

Speaker 1 3:43

Yeah , sure , so I'm Kristi Walker and I am a joy field Catholic . I guess you would consider me a revert , but I am a cradle Catholic who kind of fell away from the church and came back stronger than ever . And I am a wife and a mom . I have twins who are almost 16 and our youngest is 10 . And I am a Catholic life coach , like you said , and I help women in recovery or those looking to drink less or not at all for any reason . And a little bit about my story I am a recovering alcoholic .

Speaker 1 4:25

I celebrated 26 years of sobriety in February , so that was exciting and I so my story with alcohol I guess I should maybe start there is that I've never actually been able to drink like a normal person . So the first time that I was exposed to alcohol it was at a party at an upperclassmen's house it was . I did dance team , and so it was . One of the captains from the dance team invited us all over and so my mom thought it was just going to be dance team slumber party thing . But her parents actually had like a guest house or something on their property and that's where we were , and then , like lots of people , came . It's a total blur to me , but I can tell you that I took one drink and I didn't stop until I passed out and I liked that feeling I felt I was always kind of . The kids always called me like a goodie goodie and I like , oh , you do everything right . My friends wouldn't want to talk to me about like mature topics because they were afraid I didn't like really understand that or I wasn't a good person to talk to it about because I would be judging them , which actually wasn't the case . But yeah , so I liked being able to be included . I liked just the feeling of , you know , being intoxicated , and so I started seeking out opportunities to do that more .

Speaker 1 6:08

And the group that I hung out with one of my friends her parents went out of town a ton and so we I would just say I'm spending the night at my friend's house my mom was like Awesome and I would be there and we would have lots of people over and lots of drinking and we would spot beer . So I mean I didn't , because I looked like I was 12 when I was a senior in high school , but I was like my boyfriend and like our other friends that were there , would go to the store , try to find somebody that looked , you know , youngish but of age , and get , pay them to buy us alcohol , and it worked pretty much every time . It did work every time . And so we would go back to her house and drink . At another friend who I was able to stay the night at her house and her parents actually provided alcohol for us , so that was pretty easy peasy . They thought that as long as we drink at their house we were safe and it wasn't that big of a deal . Of course my mom didn't know that and because if she did , she wouldn't have let me go over there and spend the night . So it just kind of progressed from there .

Speaker 1 7:21

I graduated from high school . I went to school . There's a university in the in my hometown that I went to , was accepted into , but I wasn't really interested in pursuing anything there . I got a job and I quickly found more people that like to party and did that . Then my mom remarried and she and my stepdad were going to move to the Pacific Northwest , where I live now , and I was like , well , I don't want to go , I'm just going to stay here . And she knew that I just wasn't living right and she's like I think that you should move with us . And I was like no , and she's like I highly recommend that you move with us . And so you know , as an adult I could do whatever I wanted .

Speaker 1 8:16

But I ended up coming to the Pacific Northwest , which was a great decision , and for a while I didn't party or drink or anything . And I got a job and then I started meeting people and of course it's just so funny how you can just kind of like find those people and gravitate towards those people . The funny thing was when I very first moved out of the house , I moved out with a group of Mormon girls and so they were very not into drinking . So I think my mom was like great , that's good . And my stepdad grew up Mormon but he wasn't when they got married and so I moved in with them but I was like constantly out of the house . I just kept finding opportunities to drink and do all this stuff .

Speaker 1 9:08

So I was not living a very good life . I wasn't living a chaste life . I was abusing my body , I was breaking commitments , I was not showing up to work on time or if I did , I I don't even know what I look like . I probably looked so disheveled sometimes and still feeling drunk the next day sometimes because I had been drinking until , like , I passed out at two or three o'clock in the morning . Yeah , so that wasn't great , but I just kept finding people and and living that way and then finally my roommates had had enough of me and so they were like , okay , well , we're gonna move , I'm moving here and she's moving there , and so now you're on your own . And it just got so bad , like I would just constantly drink on my own , drinking by myself . I don't even know how I didn't die or how I wasn't like something bad didn't happen to me , like terrible didn't happen to me because I was just living such a dangerous life , not just from the alcohol I was consuming , which was wreaking havoc on my body , I'm sure , but just the situations I was putting myself in were terrible .

Speaker 1 10:41

And then I ended up moving in with a high school friend of mine , actually the one who whose house we would go to and party . I moved in with her and her fiance and you know she had settled down by that time . She was looking forward to marriage and and all of that , and so I moved in to kind of help with the rent . But she was just like I love you , but I can't take this anymore , and so I ended up . I was supposed to move on .

Speaker 1 11:15

A certain day I went out and partied . I came back home to pack up and she had packed up all my stuff and she was super , super mad at me . And she was like I found beer in your closet . There's bottles everywhere . She's like you should have been here packing up . And I did have like another roommate that I was moving in with , like where I was going . I just hadn't done any of that . And so she was like and you're going to go tell your mom and your stepdad that you have a drinking problem ? And I'm like no , and she's like no , you are doing that . Oh , that was terrible . And I , oh my gosh , I was so mad at her for so many years . If anyone even brought up her name like my eye would twitch . It was . I was so mad at her . But looking back , she did me like the biggest favor ever . I mean , I and I can see God working and taking care of me all along the way . But at that time I just felt so alone and so destitute and it was just not good . And so I went and I talked to my mom and my stepdad and obviously they weren't really super surprised , but they were like okay , and so I was like , well , you know , I'll stop . And I didn't .

Speaker 1 12:48

And then I moved in with my other roommate in another city and her mom was actually my boss and you know , I was living with them and we were partying a little bit Well , not a little bit , a lot of it and stuff . But she was more responsible because she's actually was a single mom and so we wouldn't really party at our house , obviously when her son was home , but when he was with his dad we would , or we would go out . And she got to the point where she's like you are drinking too much . And even my drinking buddies were like Christy , you have a problem . And so I will say , if you're drinking buddies , tell you you have a problem . You probably have like a really really , really big problem , because usually people who drink with you want to keep you drinking with them . But I feel like that was just the Holy Spirit speaking through them , because they weren't like the greatest people to be around . And then my friend's mom , who was also my boss , my roommate's mom . She was like Christy , you are like slacking , you're not coming on time , you're , you know , calling in sick and all of these things , and so she was like you're going to lose your job . She's like you need to do something . They are both like you need to do something . Okay , fine .

Speaker 1 14:08

So I checked myself into outpatient treatment at Kaiser Permanente and that was not that great . I didn't like it . I was there with a lot of , like older people and they would talk about you know , I don't know . I just didn't really feel connected to any of them and I didn't feel like I needed to be there . I didn't have any DUIs , I didn't have a family to lose I didn't . I wasn't doing , you know , drinking in front of my kids because I didn't have any . I wasn't married , you know all of those things . So I just was like I'm not as bad as these people and I do not belong here , basically

Journey to Sobriety and Redemption

Speaker 1 14:48

.

Speaker 1 14:48

So I was kind of snotty about it , but I stayed there so that I could say like I completed the program and I did stay sober . I don't know if I stayed sober for 90 days or not , but I would still go out with my friends and then I would just be like glaring at everybody , so , which is terrible . But so I was like resentful because all I could focus on is what I gave up and what a sacrifice it was and how they didn't understand , and I would just make them miserable and make myself miserable . So obviously that didn't stick and I ended up going out drinking again , but this time I had more awareness around it , because I mean that outpatient treatment treatment was not for nothing , like it did plant seeds in me , whether I thought it did or not , and so my drinking was messed up , like it wasn't as fun as before , it wasn't as carefree , it like I felt guilty every time and it's just a mess .

Speaker 1 16:06

So I decided actually I decided that I was going to get sober , and so I went to the store and I was like , ok , this is the last day , the last time I'm drinking , and I tried to quit drinking like many times , or giving myself boundaries or perimeters , or I'm not going to do it on the weekday or not going to do this . But this time I just had this resolve that I'm not going to drink again . And so I bought like a six pack of Zima which I'm sure was what I got and some cheap beer and I drank myself into a blackout and when I woke up the next morning I was like , ok , I'm done . So I threw whatever I had away and I told my mom . And my mom told me that the day that I that is , my sobriety date now was actually the 10 year anniversary of my grandmother's death , and my grandma and I were super , super close . So I just felt her intercession and I just I didn't even know it when that was the day . So I just looking back , I was like so guided and so loved and so protected , and yeah , so I think that's another thing that helped it stick , because I didn't want to mess that up either , because it wasn't like just for me , it wasn't just for my family , it was for my grandma and like her interceding on my behalf , you know from heaven , and so I think she is , and so yeah , so that kind of started my journey .

Speaker 1 17:50

But my mom had a high school friend who was in recovery as well and so she had her friend come and we had lunch . We all had lunch together and she talked to me about AA and she talked to me about recovery and she passed over to me a coin I had never seen a coin from Alcoholics Anonymous . She passed me this coin and on it it said nine years . And I was like nine years , holy cow . I'm like this is going to take forever to get to that . I'm like I don't deserve that Like .

Speaker 1 18:23

And she was like no , I want you to keep it . I want you to keep it and hold on to it , because I know that you're going to get there one day . So just keep that as a goal and once you reach that , you can pass it on to somebody else if you want . I didn't , I still have it . I should pass it on to somebody someday , but it was always this reminder of like you can do it , like somebody believes in you , and all of that .

Speaker 1 18:52

So she ended up taking me to my first AA meeting . Well , she told me I needed to go to AA and I was like I don't want to go . I don't know anybody and everybody's , because I was thinking about the experience that I had had at the outpatient treatment . It just wasn't . I didn't think it was for me . But she's like no , it'll be so good and I'll go with you to your first AA meeting , but I can't go with you again , like after that you're going to have to do it on your own and so yeah , so that was kind of the beginning of that .

Speaker 2 19:27

Wow , your story is fascinating and I feel like I have so many questions . I can relate with just being at friends' houses where it wasn't the best influence . I also drank in high school and partied , and it's where I found porn . Well , actually , maybe the second time I found porn and yeah , carefree , like you said , You're in high school and you're just doing crazy things . And one of the first things that struck me with your story is how you were perceived as such a goody-tooth shoe or someone who followed all the rules . And then you know , alcohol leads you to become an alcoholic , and I'm sure there's a stigma with that phrase . Oh yeah , Christy , she's an alcoholic , you know . I think sexaholic is a little worse , but so you know , from one addict to another . But I mean , what are your thoughts on that ? I think it's so fascinating that you can do all the right things and end up with an addiction . Any thoughts on that ?

Speaker 1 20:48

Yeah , so I think .

Speaker 1 20:50

So my parents divorced when I was five and I kind of my mom was a single mom and she did an amazing job and the best she could , but I ran around with the neighborhood kids and we didn't always do things that were good and right , and so I felt very broken and like I was always wearing a mask and that I put up this perception of myself and that people didn't really see how broken and how bad I was , because that's how I felt .

Speaker 1 21:26

I mean , I wasn't , but I was in a lot of ways . And so I think that with the drinking , first of all , it kind of numbed those feelings and just made me feel , I don't know , like I was part of something and that I was seen . And then part of it was just it was probably just the devil working on me , like you feel so bad inside . You're such a , you're just like a fraud and a poser and people think all these things about you that aren't true . So what does it matter if it shows on the outside ? And so pretty soon that ugly and that brokenness , instead of just being something I shoved down and tried to hide , became who I was .

Speaker 2 22:19

Yeah , I can relate to that too , feeling like , well , if people knew the real me , you know like , yeah , I'm a fraud , you know looks great from the outside , but if they really knew me and how messed up I was , they wouldn't want anything to do with me . But going back to when you were five and your parents divorcing , that's a big wound right there , a lot of trauma for a kid to go through . And I know in my world and maybe in yours , it's like that drug of choice . It just fills those wounds . You know where you mentioned feeling broken and those negative emotions and once you found something that could , as you said , numb it , you didn't feel it right . You didn't feel it till later . It kind of puts off those . You know , basically those feelings that we don't want to feel .

Speaker 2 23:16

So and just interesting , you mentioned that God . You can now see God's hand in your story , because so fascinating that the friend that you originally parted with that got you into trouble was the one that hacked your belongings and said not only get out of here , but go tell your parents and your mom and your stepfather , but go tell them of your issue as like why didn't you just kick me out ? Why do you have to make me you know what I mean ? Like why do you have to tell me to do the right thing ? I don't want to do the right thing . I probably hated that more than being your stuff . But yeah , what's that ? Like that I can imagine , if it was me , just such an inner turmoil like I got to go have this conversation that I do not want any part of .

Speaker 1 24:10

Yeah , that was really tough , because I felt betrayed by her . I mean , I was glad I didn't have to pack all my stuff up . I was like , yeah , thanks for doing that , because I'm a procrastinator and I'm not very organized . I'm like that's awesome , but yeah , it was just the you're betraying me . After all of this I do want to say , though she and I connected on Facebook like years and years later , and again , every time everybody would bring up her name . I'm like she's dead to me . Like don't talk about her . It makes me twitch inside , like it's horrible . And then , all of a sudden , we kind of connected on Facebook and I was just flooded with this grace and I just apologized profusely and told her thank you , yes , for making me do the hard thing and doing tough love .

Speaker 1 25:01

But what I didn't know is she felt like she had been carrying all this year this guilt and this baggage of making me do that , and so we were both like , so like , had so much anxiety around it for different reasons , and so it brought her so much peace when she found out how well I was doing and that really she was very integral in me . Is that a word ? Intracle ? Yeah , and a girl . She was very like she was one of the main Propelants that got me to move forward with sobriety .

Speaker 2 25:44

Oh , that's amazing that she also felt just guilty , like like she got you into trouble , almost Like if she wasn't throwing parties and encouraging you to drink , that maybe you wouldn't have had this problem so so fascinating . And then the other friend that you moved in with and working for her mom and all that . I was trying to figure out where your bottom was , because I know in recovery an addiction that's so huge .

Speaker 2 26:12

I've heard your bottom explained . As you know , you've hit your bottom when you've stopped it digging . You know you're not making the hole deeper . So what would you say was your bottom ?

Speaker 1 27:33

Hmm , I mean , I think the lowest . Hmm , that's a good question , because I think that there were a couple of bottoms . So the one when I had to go and talk to my parents and um , and I felt so betrayed by , like , one of my very , very best friends Um , that was a , that was a bottom , for sure . And then , um , I guess , being afraid that I was going to lose my place to live and my job that was , that was a bottom of sorts . And just recognizing the way I was living and realizing that if I didn't do something I was not going to get better .

Speaker 1 28:22

So my dad struggled with addiction and so I didn't want to end up like um , I didn't want to live the life he lived Like . He had a very hard childhood and I've forgiven him , but I had a lot of resentment against him for a long time and I kind of feel like this was God's grace , also because it helped me understand my dad a little bit more , so that I wasn't so resentful and angry that he loved his addiction more than he loved me or my family . Um , it helped me , you know , with a lot of that type of thing . So , um , yeah , so I think my bottom . I had a couple of different bottoms , but again , I never got a DUI . I never , you know . So I can say all these things like , well , I never did this and this never happened , and this never happened , but it would have , it would have .

Speaker 2 29:18

Yeah , you had a higher bottom than others .

Speaker 1 29:20

I did .

Speaker 2 29:21

I still had a bottom multiple . Yeah , and that's interesting too , that just bringing up your father and father wounds are a big thing and the fact that he was addicted and you thought he chose the addiction over you , when really he was broken and he had his own set of issues and the way he was raised and the issues he ran into . And then it gives you more compassion , right , and all of that is a very healing type of a process to go through .

Speaker 1 29:51

Yes , yeah , because I was able to see my dad as the child that he was . You know , being a mom of boys , I also see my dad in like a totally different way . And the way that I treat my children I just sometimes I mean this sounds weird , but sometimes I hope that it just like translates to him like I know you didn't always feel this love and the you know and all of this , but I'm pouring it into your grandchildren and I just hope that that gives you some peace and you know that's awesome .

Speaker 2 30:28

That's great . And then you know that last , that last binge , before you cleaned up your act , you know , what reminds me too is , like , you know , let me just let me just look at a little bit more porn and act out a few more times before I , you know , clean up my act tomorrow . And also , like a diet , you know , like okay , I'm going to start eating clean , but before I do that , let me go get a bunch of ice cream , Let me get a couple bags of chips and let me just go all out , you know , because I'm going to suck after that . But and then , just really , I'm really moved by your mom's friend who was in recovery . I thought it was really fascinating that , you know , it's great . She meets , a few offers to go to your first meeting , but then says I'm only going to go once . And what was , what was the thought process behind that ? Do you know ? I'm not going anymore .

Speaker 1 31:30

I'm not going to go to another one , Okay so I'm going to . I'm going to satisfy her by going , and then I'm probably not going to go to another one , or that would for yourself . You're saying yeah , that's what I was thinking in my head .

Speaker 2 31:45

Yeah , yeah , you're thinking , okay , I'll go to one kind of like the outpatient thing , I'll complete it , just to say I completed it , and then I'm just going to do whatever I want . But I was going to say for your mom's friend when she said I'll take you to one meeting and only one meeting . Do

The Power of Recovery and Faith

Speaker 2 32:01

you know why she said I'll only go to one meeting with you ?

Speaker 1 32:07

I don't know what I mean . I think that she probably wanted to show me . I think she wanted to be there to support me so that I didn't feel like I was alone and it's not as scary as I think that it's going to be . And so , and honestly , at that meeting that I went to , there were so many lovely people and I actually it wasn't in the town that I lived in , so I didn't end up going there again , but I think my experience would have been different had I continued in that group that we went to .

Speaker 1 32:39

It was at a Protestant church in a neighboring town where my mom lived , but then I live in a different area and so I had to find meetings over here . So I think that she was kind of getting me started Like it's not as scary as you think . So I'm going to go and support you , but you have to do it on your own and you know it's very . You know that's what recovery is Like we . Nobody can do it for us , nobody can want it for us . I mean , I wanted my dad not to do drugs anymore and , no matter how much I wanted it , it wasn't going to happen unless he wanted it and he never felt worthy enough to want it enough to do that .

Speaker 2 33:31

Yeah , I think that's a good point , is that ? So she brings you to your first meeting to visit this great support for you . But then it's almost like turning it over , like all right , Christy , you got to do the rest right .

Speaker 2 33:42

Right , yeah , in our literature , in essay , we have this great line that says we give up the old notion of being catered to like the one who needs the help does the calling or the one who needs the help goes to the meeting and works the steps . It's not a sponsor doing it for you or your recovery buddy doing it for you . As you said , nobody can do it for you know , except for ourselves . Right , awesome . So you kind of mentioned your first AA meeting where you're still nervous going in there .

Speaker 1 34:19

The one with my mom's friend .

Speaker 2 34:21

Yeah , were you nervous ? It probably was a good feeling to have her with you .

Speaker 1 34:25

Yeah I , she's kind of like a rough and tumble type lady , so she . So I knew that whatever happened , she had my back and so I wasn't really scared about going in with her and yeah , so my first AA meeting with her , it was great . Like I said , it was a very soft place to land . Everybody was so kind they were . Many of them were like I wish that I would have gotten sober when I was your age and I . They really were complimentary to the fact that you know it was 23 years old and here I was , you know , making this change in my life before I got to the point that many of them had gotten to . So it was an encouragement , for sure .

Speaker 2 35:13

Awesome . Yeah , and that's another good point is that we talked about the high bottom and you hadn't done all these other things and you weren't married and didn't have kids . You're almost like , why am I here , Right ? But then you realize you're doing it for yourself so that you can set up a good marriage and be the best mother you can be and you don't have to go through years of agony . But I felt the same way I can relate where I was about 25 when I got to my first meeting and you know you go around the room and everybody's sharing these different things they've done and I also felt like , well , I haven't done a lot of these things , and then it's kind of that key word , yet you know , it's like you haven't done them yet , you know .

Speaker 1 35:55

Right .

Speaker 2 35:56

You might . You might stay in your lane in this one , but but yeah . So once you kind of realize that it's not what everybody did , it's how similar we all are , so yeah , so what do you appreciate about recovery ?

Speaker 1 36:14

You know . So you know , the first step is admitting that we're powerless over whatever and our lives are unmanageable . So and I had felt controlled and led by my addiction for so long . But the thing that recovery helped me with was to realize that I'm also very powerful . So I had to admit I was powerless but in choosing to detach myself from that vice , I , with the help of God , became very powerful over that addiction and that is something that keeps me , that has kept me sober , I think , for this long , because it makes me so . It just kind of shows me that I have this strength within me to resist things that might tempt me and I also , when I set my mind to something , can accomplish anything if it's within God's will right .

Speaker 1 37:24

So with recovery it has helped me , you know . It helps me in all aspects of my life . It helps me in work , it helps me with marriage , it helps me with my kids , because my kids can't get away with anything , because I know everything and I've done everything I know . But but you know it just , it helps me in so many aspects of my life . And so even like , like you were talking about fasting earlier , if I set my mind to , like I'm not going to have sugar or you know something I'm gonna . I like , personally , I do intermittent fasting . That's not something that I all of a sudden , cold turkey decided to do . It's been a process , but I'm like , if you can give up alcohol , if you can stop smoking cigarettes which took me longer to get let- go of than alcohol because I was like I already gave up alcohol , I'm not going to give up cigarettes yeah , that was dumb , but anyway .

Speaker 1 38:22

So you know I have given up . I have been able to change my habits and break away from certain things I know aren't serving me , and so I know that I can do that when I set my mind to it and when I prayerfully set my mind to it and I ask God in . Because one of the things when I did get sober , I asked God to remove my desire to drink . And you know you , they say you can't pray it away or anything like that . But I was still struggling because I was still kind of had that circle of friends around me and I just asked God , please remove this desire to drink , this desire to want to go out . And Steve , he did it , and I think it's because I had the faith that he could do that . And so I've done that with in other things in my life . I've said like I can't do this , but you can , you know . So it really my recovery didn't just help me stop drinking . It helped me lean into God and be able to see him working , really truly working , in my life .

Speaker 2 39:38

That's awesome . It's like faith in action . That's what I think is . Yeah , it's like trusting that God can do it , because , I mean , his God is all powerful and he's a God of miracles . So , speaking of the faith , how you kind of mentioned , in the beginning , you were a revert to the faith . How did you get back into the faith ?

Speaker 1 40:01

Yeah , so that was a slow roll , but I just , you know , aa did help me with that because it has a nice foundation and with , you know , catholic underpinnings whether people like that or not and yeah , so it helped me a lot because you know the steps turned my will in my life over to God . You know , make amends , you know it's very , there's very Catholic aspects to the 12 steps and that's something that I appreciated about it and I think that just kind of started watering those seeds that had been planted . I had a very good , firm faith foundation and my maternal grandparents were a wonderful example of faith and so I think that thankfully for me , and that's probably what saved me at such a young age , and so all of those little seeds were getting watered and starting to sprout up a little bit and that just helped me grow . It took me a while to come back to the Catholic faith because I felt very unworthy . I felt like I was

Reversion, Recovery, and the Catholic Faith

Speaker 1 41:24

too broken , I was too far gone . I , you know I did go to church with my mom , like Christmas , in Easter and Mother's Day , and then slowly I started going a little more often . I would go on Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday because those are fun and so I would just kind of . And then random Sundays , and so it just was like a slow back to the faith .

Speaker 1 41:54

But the thing that solidified so I had been going to this wonderful Baptist church , that a woman that I worked with , who I really she was kind of like a second mom to me and took care of me and she kept telling me I needed to kind of you know , she was like you need to get back to church and you need to , you know , get into the word and all of that . So she , so I went to her church and it was lovely . There was lots of singing . It's kind of like if you turn on the Christian music station on your radio , that was church and there was a pastor there . He was a wonderful Bible teacher and so I got to learn some things that I didn't know about or never thought about , and so I really liked it . So I thought , and they had a great children's program . I'm like in Catholics we got to take our kids into church with us and they cry , you know , like all this stuff . And I'm like and look at this , they have Sunday school and the kids go here and the parents go here and it's just so nice . And so I honestly thought that that was going to be the church that I went to . I even considered getting rebaptized , because that's how little I understood about my faith , and even though I was raised Catholic and I went to Catholic school for six years and all of that . But you know , god's grace is so good .

Speaker 1 43:20

So one day it was it was Communion Sunday and I didn't know what that was . So I was like , hey , cool . And I was actually there with one of my friends and they start passing these platters . One of the platters is a silver platter with like legit saltine crackers on it , like they didn't even pretend to try to make it look like wafers or anything . So passing that through and I'm like what the heck is this ? And then comes another silver tray with like these little tiny plastic cups of I didn't know I'm thinking wine . So I'm like well , I'm not going to have that . And my friend took it and I was like , is it grape juice or wine ? And she was like I think it's grape juice . And so I was like okay . So like I have no idea what's going on , just . But everything within me is like this is not right , this is weird , this is not you know . And so I like ate my salty cracker before I was supposed to , like I didn't know what they were doing .

Speaker 1 44:28

I left there and I was like I can never go back , like as much as I love those people . They're so lovely , they love Jesus , they're , you know , faith filled people . Pastor was great , the music was amazing , all these things . I just I couldn't articulate it at the time , but I can , I can say now . It just missed the sacredness of the Catholic mass .

Speaker 1 45:00

And so when I started and you know , my faith had been so watered down that I didn't even see the Eucharist as a real presence of Jesus .

Speaker 1 45:11

I just thought it was like the symbol even though that's not what I was taught that it just like had been diluted and watered down so much by so many different voices and by the world , and like that can't be true , that it made it . It really it didn't seem like that big of a deal to go to another church and then . But once that happened , it just ignited something within me like I need to find out . Like I need to find out . And I got to the point where it was like I either have to be Catholic or I can't be anything at all , because Jesus , you know he's in the hearts and you know works of those people , but he's not present in the way that he is at the Catholic Church body , blood , soul and divinity in the Eucharist . And so he just slowly he was very patient with me and just slowly kept drawing me back and the fire grew brighter and brighter and stronger and stronger and I just had an insatiable desire to know as much as possible about his one truly Catholic and Apostolic Church .

Speaker 2 46:25

Oh , that's awesome and it's so fascinating that the Eucharist brought you back . You know the source and summit of our faith , that you know it's not just saltine crackers and a shot of grape juice , you know so that's cool .

Speaker 2 46:40

And , yeah , it's hard not to read John 6 , you know , bread of Life discourse and not realize that this is our faith , you know , and what I love about the Bread of Life discourse is if you go to John 6 , verse 66 , it says that's when all those people left him . So John 666 , you know Mark of the Devil is when everyone left and couldn't take his teaching . So that's awesome . So thanks for sharing about your faith and how you got back into it and the role that AA played and all that and so . So let's see just a few more things here . One of my clients said to me one time he goes . You know , steve , I don't wish addiction on anyone , but I do wish recovery on everyone . So I'm just curious do you agree with that ? And then , if you do , how do you think we could incorporate more recovery into our society ?

Speaker 1 47:49

Yeah . So I think that's a lot about the way I think about reversion , like I think that all Catholics need to have a reconversion of heart and we continually have to have this reversion back to Jesus , back to the faith , and recovery is so much like that . Right , we admit that we are powerless without Jesus , but , you know , faith without works is dead , so we have to do the action . I heard somebody in AA say once you know if you want a hot dog , you can't sit in the closet and pray for a hot dog . You got to actually open the door and go out and get the hot , find it like a hot dog stand and then figure out a way to get that dog . And I was like , yeah , that's true , that's really smart . So that was their way of saying faith without works is dead , and so I think with recovery it's so beautiful and it just helps you rely on God and figure out ways .

Speaker 1 49:03

You know we should all be working those steps every day , you know , admitting we need God , and so we're just saying our shortcoming , you know , like thinking about what our shortcomings are and doing all those things . And then , of course , we're called to go and make disciples right , and so that's kind of what that 12 step is . You go and you help those who need to know the message , who need the experience , strength and hope that we have , and share that with others . And the same thing is with our faith , like we can't just keep it to ourselves and hide it under a bushel basket . We have to go and share it and share it with the world . So I think there's great similarities to recovery and Catholicism , you know , and our faith and everything . And I just you know we have to make amends . I mean , there's so much goodness there that again the church teaches . But the way that the 12 steps articulates it , you know , it's very concise and I think it would be a great model to follow for anyone .

Speaker 2 50:15

Yeah , that's awesome and I would agree . I love that quote , you know , and I like how you put it into the reversion of the faith . And you know , I mean I think 70% of Catholics don't believe in the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist . So that's a big number If seven out of 10 Catholics don't even believe that , which is just a basic , you know , principle in our faith . But but yeah , the 12 steps are like these great things , you know you have to think they were , you know , guided by the Holy Spirit , you know the founders , so so maybe one of my last questions is what ? Is there a particular saint or saints that you love that inspire you in recovery ?

Speaker 1 51:08

Well , I mean Saint Augustine , he's like , he's like the patron saint of addicts , basically because he was so naughty , he was so bad and his poor mom , just , you know , following him everywhere and praying for him night and day and day and night , and didn't give up on him , and I feel like that's kind of what my family on earth and in heaven and you know all over , was kind of doing with me . I love the quote where he says make me chased , but not yet . It's kind of like what you were talking about when I had my last and you were , you know , like I'll just look at this , I'll just do this and then I'll tomorrow , you know , and so it just makes him very accessible and very relatable . And I think , like , again , part of the reason that it took me so long to come back to the Catholic Church is that I didn't see it as a hospital for sinners , I saw it as a museum for saints .

Speaker 1 52:11

You know that quote , but I just reversed it , and so I thought everybody was just perfect . I thought everybody was perfect and I would never be able to fit in there . I would like shine , I'd be like that black sheep that's trying to get into the fold and instead , you know , as I've studied scripture and read scripture and read the saints and heard you know their lives and their struggles and all of that , I'm like you know they're not that much different than me , except they have like this turning point in their life , that just where they can just have full reliance on God . I'm not there yet , but and I don't really want to go out like some of those saints did . So I mean , I read like how some of them died and I'm like , well , I don't want to be that kind of Saint Lord , not that that kind just like that lives to a ripe old age and goes quietly in her sleep . One of those kind of saints .

Speaker 2 53:09

Yes , St Joseph , you know prayers for a happy death .

Speaker 1 53:13

Yes .

Speaker 2 53:14

Yeah , yes , sometimes I think that I might need to be murdered because that's the fastest way to heaven , you know . But yeah , I also have a low pain tolerance , so not too excited about those prospects . But well , christy , this was awesome . I don't know if there's anything else you'd like to add before I , you know , just jump into where people can find you and everything . But well and .

Speaker 1 53:40

I just I do want to say that I believe that the intercession of blessed mother has really been a blessing . The blessed mother has really been my guiding stone because even when I was having difficulty coming to Jesus , I just can feel her loving , lovingly , like bringing me to him and saying you know , he wants to heal you , he wants to help you , and I was able to , you know , pray for her intercession before I was actually even able to approach Jesus , if that makes sense . So , so she's pinnacle .

Speaker 2 54:19

Yeah , no , our lady is . I mean , I mean , what a beautiful gift we have . You know , we have Heavenly Father , this brother in Jesus , this mother in Mary , and St Joseph , you know , as a stepfather , yeah , the Holy Family . I mean , how blessed are we , you know . So , yeah , that's great . And congratulations on 26 years of sobriety . That's so impressive . And obviously it's only one day at a time , by the grace of God .

Speaker 1 54:53

Well , that does it for this episode of the Catholic sobriety podcast . I hope you enjoyed this episode and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well , and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing . I am the Catholic sobriety coach , and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer , visit my website , thecatholicsobrietycoachcom . Follow me on Instagram at theCatholicSobrietyCoach . I look forward to speaking to you next time , and remember I am here for you , I am praying for you . You are not alone .